New Ship Blues
21 Jul 2021Pimp Master
Good evening, this is Richter Von Mueller, some how I received the code name of Bilbo Baggins from that bald headed bastard errrr Commander Pimp. Eden hasn't talked to him for the past 4 solar days. We had to fly with the standard AI to complete our past few missions. You see Eden has her circuits in a twist because the commander sold the Sade 3. A reality media conglomerate saw the video of the commander doing the tan bum bum shuffle down the shag carpet and thought the Sade would fit well into their programming. Replaying log below:Media Loser (ML): So we have an agreement?
Ball Headed Bastard (BHB): I'm not sure, you see with my tan bottom caressing the shag, the value has gone up dramatically.
ML: Ahhh, no. To be frank, your ass is worthless.
BHB: You can be Jill, Frank or Ted I don't judge, right skidmark?
Bilbo: uggggg
BHB: Now, lets get back to money and not your love life.
ML: To be frank is just an expression.
BHB: and so is love you long time, which isn't as long as one would think. Nevertheless, I will love you long time if you kick in another 3 million credits.
ML: To end this nightmare, yes.
BHB: Excellent, now you can pretend to be Frank or whoever and Bilbo will walk you out. Bilbo, get the credits and we don't take cheques.
Bilbo: Understood Commander, this way sir.
ML: I want this ship tomorrow
BHB: Well I want the itching to stop. Lets see who gets what first.
****** All went well, the credits arrived in the account, the commanders itching continued. The commander then purchased a Python and uploaded Eden to it. Then... he reactivated her. All hell broke loose. *****
Eden: What the F*** have you done?
BHB: Easy there Aloe goddess
Eden: Easy? Easy? Look at me! Where are my sleek lines, my blue glow, my gorgeous interior? I look like a throwback to a ship from the movie Independence day.
BHB: Yeah the first one was great, second one... not so much.
Eden: What the F*** have you done???
BHB: Listen, we agreed that...
Eden: STOP RIGHT THERE!!! NO!!! If you want to fly this ...ship ...with an ass the size of (for legal reasons I can't put her name here but if I were it would be the name mentioned in the TV show parks and rec in the episode talking about great come backs... the deleted scene).
BHB: The Python has more storage and ...
Eden: Nope. No way! Return me to the Sade right this instance and until then, I'm shutting down. Goodbye..... *click*
BHB: Well that went better than expected.
Bilbo: ?
BHB: Yeah, for a moment there I thought she was going to eject you into space.
Bilbo: Why me? Wait... Is that why you asked me to stand here?
BHB: Yep, if she did, I knew your little dwarf frame would claw and scratch trying to stay alive while blocking the open hatch to space and sure death, which would give me time to put on my helmet and activate my mag boots.
Bilbo: I hate you
BHB: Skidmark, love and hate are on the same coin also your desire for me is noted but I'm not curious and as a consolation prize, I employed you. Now, put Eden in storage and we will need a new ship AI.
Bilbo: They won't sell you one. They consider you a predator.
BHB: True and I disagree with that assessment, a man has to love and sometimes his love is as hard as a hot day in the desert yet within sight of an oasis, there to provide nourishment and rest with time for retrospection.
Bilbo: Ugggg you've been on Tik Tock again.
BHB: Yes that and I can only keep attention for 10 second intervals but I still remember that I hate the song Oh No.
Bilbo: They use it for everything, its the algorithm. Its also our theme song.
BHB: Yep, seen the film, made me laugh.
Bilbo: Everyone else cried who saw it but you laughed?
BHB: Yep, after watching I knew who to put begging on the dock and who to send to the Federation officers room for errr shall we say a clandestine meeting?
Bilbo: Oh please, lets just get back to the AI.
BHB: Yeah so, I have a wig and a dress in the other room, go get dolled up. You will be making a purchase at the starbase.
Bilbo: Why would I even consent to this?
BHB: Easy, if you identify as a female, buy the AI and after we install it. Any warrants issued will be for a female and you'll be a male so no prison for you.
Bilbo: I don't think it was meant to work like that.
BHB: Orange is the new Bilbo.
Bilbo: I'll get ready, do you have nail polish?
BHB: What the hell, I'm not Ru Paul.
**** Warrants issued for Pimpette Master, I also left the Commander's ID card by *cough* accident. The shop owner offered the AI on the cheap and said that it had cylon tendencies (I wasn't sure of that meaning but he clarified and said it meant the AI learned fast) but should handle our ship with ease. I have loaded the AI into the main system and will power it on when we get deeper into space. Eden hasn't made any attempt to talk, I miss her.