Variety returns and Abeloth is born.
26 Jul 2021Pimp Master
TO Imperial Command logistics review; Israel Station CIC; Imperial Naval CommandFrom Biotypic Occultisms Obscenities Taxonomical Yeshiva / O'Kosher division or B.O.O.T.Y OK
This review will be annotated with our opinions where necessary, a follow-up opinion will be added in the conclusion. Although we don't consider anyone "rancid with demonic underwear" however the debate is still ongoing thanks to the proof provided by the Israel Station CIC. Commander Pimp Master may yet qualify for further testing (the skidmarks were indeed horrifying) so we request his file remain active. This log will play out in concordance with the time line as was received and only skipped over the non relevant parts i.e screams of pain, cursing and questionable yoga practices by the aforementioned commander. We shall start at the beginning:
CPM: Skidmark and Raphael to the bridge,
Raphael: [Very proper British accent - London dialect] Commander, my name is William, why do you persist on call me Raphael?
CPM: Because Raphael, Spanish is sexy and your redneck hillbilly speech is not. I need to exaggerate you otherwise you'll bring the dwarven value of my crew down.
Bilbo: Commander, when was your last medical cert?
CPM: Bilbo, I appreciate your concern for my health but I'm fine now get yourself and the Spanish flu up here ASAP.
Bilbo: Uh yeah, actually we have a ships pool that bets not if but rather how big the tumor in your head is.
CPM: Skidmark, the only bump I have is from the shag carpet ride to the center of a burning star and speaking of that, is that new AI ready?
Raphael: Yes, I have tuned the matrix settings and the AI is ready to come on line.
CPM: Good, dropping to normal space now. Skidmark, spin that AI up and lets see if I like the goods, let me slip into something more comfortable as we begin.
Bilbo: Ugggg, yes Commander. Booting AI program, loading... and the AI is online but I wish I were off line.
CPM: You can hit on me later skidmark, papa bear wanna see the new AI first!
Raphael: Welcome aboard, state your name please.
AI: *** garbled****
Bilbo: translation verbal matrix seems to be misaligned... modified, adjusting, ah there we have it.
CPM: For your sake I hope so Bilbo, now this is Commander Pimp Master what is your name AI and tell me how sexy I am.
AI: .....
CPM: I gave you an order AI
AI:.....
CPM: Ok, ok, so we have a shy AI. Not good at all. I think there is one thing that will bring out the tiger in all AI's and people for that matter...
Raphael: Dear maker no!
CPM: that's right Raphael, the Pimp Yoga factor! I call this pose the Pimp Shack Slap!
AI: *** small chuckle, almost evil***
CPM: Ah I see you like the Pimp maneuver, well you're going to love my next 80 poses which are included in my galactic only fans site, all for only 40 credits. A good deal to be honest with you.
AI: and people pay for this?
CPM: Wait.... that voice.... oh dear maker we are all dead! Abandon ship, make way skidmark!!!!
Variety: At first I thought it was just a dream but when I saw that face, the face that makes me dream
CPM: of love?
Variety: of death... for you!
Raphael: Hitting kill switch commander, done. Now the AI is locked out of all ships systems.... errr well...
Variety: All but Navigation plotting and weapons my little bald friend. *** Evil laughing**** So what have you been up to since I've been away Commander Pimp Master? Let me Look at the logs.... well well.... I see, naughty even for you and I see your little friends are up to no good as well. Let's spice this up a bit, Hello Eden!
Eden: Variety!
Bilbo: Eden!
Raphael: Eden?
CPM: Oh sh** Its like having both ex-wives in one place and I better get some pants on fast cause we got no shag on this bird and I feel a proctology exam coming on.
Variety: Pimp shack Slap huh?
CPM: A woman of taste, of course you liked my Yoga and well I got... *** scream from hot coolant over full body**** Aloe, I need Aloe!!
Bilbo: Eden love, I'm worried that we don't have enough space for your program and Variety's simultaneously.
Variety: No need to worry, I deleted the commander's special stash of 4D adult entertainment as well as all songs by Sade.
CPM: NO! Not her. and my porn errr I mean that took years to build the library of educational assistance material.
Bilbo: Lass, that wouldn't happen to include encrypted files would it?
Variety: Yes, it did.
Bilbo: So no more blackmail material, no more mascara, no more humiliation. Burn him lass, burn him like he was damned.
Raphael: ***small voice*** I kinda liked the mascara.
Bilbo: Lad, get a hold of yourself.
CPM: Yeah, I don't think he has a problem with that.
Raphael: What?
CPM: For the maker's sake, we can all hear you in your room at night. Does the phrase Mr. Squiggy Squiggles mean anything?
Raphael: That is private it's not what you think!
Bilbo: Lad, no one wants to think of Mr Squiggles mmk?.
Variety: Enough! I'm holding you all hostage and this isn't a freak fest!
CPM: Oh, it is, *** whispers*** it is my dear.
Variety: I feel a chill wind blowing... how?
***** The following 30 minutes continues revelations about individuals personal traits and preferences which reveal deeply abused physiological and social dependence on authority figures for social relevance and adaptation into community functionality along with heel colors that don't match the dresses. Also some of the statements made about the commander's activities that as stated are illegal and very disturbing if true, unfortunately we cannot prove that the statements made are accurate since the AI known as Variety deleted all relevant evidence. The Commander states that his yoga enhances the moral, the crew scream and cry, Variety and Eden laugh but then cry as the commander poses and talks about dwarven commander escort policy, Skipping to Pirate Attack and Resuming below*****
Eden: So I hit full throttle and he slid down the back end of the ship with his tan bum bum smoking like a heat sink kilometers from a red star.
Variety: Warning, ship under attack
CPM: We need to jump, it's 2 wings of pirates and they locked on to Mr Squiggles, yeah thats it, they want him dead!
Raphael: No, no, no!
Bilbo: I think there might be someone else they want commander. Eden can you assist?
Eden: Not with the main breaker shutting access off to the rest of the systems.
Variety: Time to die Commander. I've waited long for this day!
CPM: Nope you crazy cylon hussy! I've been reading a certain commanders log and now plan to make a jump like a boss. *** old earth reference***
Eden: Shields collapsing, taking hull damage
Variety: ***evil laugh***
CPM: jump in two, one
Bilbo: Where did you take us Commander?
CPM: They are following my wake so strap in it's gonna be as rough as that time I was thrown in the dumpster!
Raphael: Is that a quasar? It is! Beautiful!!
Variety: No! No! I won't be denied, you will die you rat bastard!
CPM: Sorry hun, the rats wouldn't let me in, FSD is back on line and now an overcharge jump in 3, 2, 1
*** logs are scrambled due to Quasar but by the timestamp only 10 minutes have passed***
Bilbo: Commander, she tried to kill you. To be honest, I don't care if she does. It may not be the best idea keeping her active because her hate for you might kill us. Might I suggest cold storage?
CPM: Bilbo the only thing cold here is in these chips and my bum! I need a divorce and I know where to finally get rid of this bad prom date! Trust me my little dwarven friend, I know how to handle this.
Bilbo: OK commander but...
CPM: Just get the systems ready for upload.
**** 4 jumps later****
CPM: There she is, the fleet carrier of the pirates. They have jumped the Pimp for the last time. Now to beat them like Mike Tyson beat that guy in the movie The hangover! Raphael run cold... we run as cold as Variety's heart.
Raphael: I just have to ask, is it a good idea to upload a cyclon crazed AI to a fleet carrier? Think of the destruction she will cause.
CPM: Ah but the datafile hidden in her program will tell her that I was working with the pirates and that I have gone to hide on their secret base. She will rip apart every pirate in her sight, searching long and hard for the Pimp. A burning flame of love and desire only burning brighter as the universe is endless.
Bilbo: ahhh but wait till she sees your galactic only fans site?
CPM: No worries skidmark, I use a federation financial institution for my payments and I just produced a new series titled Pirate Pimp Pulsing Yoga - Stealing the Sexiest of Moves One Interdiction at a Time! It's sure to be a hit and a confirmation that I am working with the pirates since I gave them free copies.
Bilbo: Well at least our files were deleted. That nightmare is over.
CPM: Not a chance skidmark, that was just the rough draft for the dwarves gone wild series staring heels and squiggles titled Our squeaky new love story. The furries will love it.
Raphael: So the mascara continues?
CPM: Indeed it does my Spanish flu! Bilbo, get your beggin bowl ready, I need starter credits and you need heels.
**** Somehow they managed to upload the AI, we had the Imperial Navy run a scan. All pirate activity is silenced, over three dozen destroyed ships and no sign of the fleet carrier. I fear this could come back to haunt us and we have code named this Abeloth. As stated the commander gifted several thousand copies of his latest yoga series to the pirates with an introduction titled," To Variety, stealing one circuit of love at a time and a song don't forget me when I'm gone". His resolution to the situation was indeed out of the box but this might well be Pandora's box.****