Popcorn, laughing coffee maker and Raphael goes swimming?
27 Jul 2021Pimp Master
Commanders log: I'm out of Aloe and my coffee maker mocked me, RIP. Skidmark and Raphael are cleaning the poop deck. I now know why they call it that, it's nasty but it had to be done but not by me of course. Let's face it, that crazy cyclon cyber chick almost did me in and she would've if it hadn't been for those meddling kids and that dog errr wrong show.... now where was I .... ah yes...because of me!! I have all but depleted my Aloe reserves thanks to Variety and that evil nature she calls a personality. She did leave me a few presents through out the ship, no not fun or sexy but well maybe sexy if you were into BDSM and your name is Phil and Mistress' name is Slapin-u-ova... good times, good times. Raphael stated that when he threw the breaker she had already moved into other systems such as the sonic shower. I'm very sure Mr Squiggles heard me scream this morning, it's a good thing yoga makes me limber because I was moving and I was moving fast. How fast? Yeah, as fast as a Hollywood star will sell their principles and soul for a Netflix starring role fast. When I finally got out alive, the two dwarves were sitting on the floor watching me and eating popcorn. Popcorn! I'm fighting for my life and those little bastards are treating it as a Cinema production with soda and snacks! I asked who had the junior mints, which they looked at each other and said no. I then said get out you riff raft. I'm so proud of them!
Anyway, Variety's gifts kept coming. The coffee maker burned my last batch of Black Rifle Coffee SS and that pissed me off majorly but then the coffee maker laughed... how did it laugh? No worries, I jettisoned it over the last star we passed by. Burn my coffee, I burn your ass. I then sat down in my special commander's chair, it slowly laid back and I thought that would be good since I've been stressed but then it shot me across the room like Kevin running at the TV for a shrimp dinner (The Office US version reference). When I regained consciousness I was stunned but only slightly out of it, I had flash backs of educational material that the cylon eviscerated with her jealousy. I didn't reprogram the chair ***muwhahahaha***, I have plans for that function later with a certain black market kingpin. He's late on yoga series payments and autographing all those burning shag carpet scenes cramped my hand out really bad but for my fans and their money I will go to any length. I'm going to bounce his chicken leg body across the room like Quagmire does with his dates.
Eden is back on line, she is still deeply in love with me poor girl, I've decided to let this play out till we reach port and I can cheat on errr I mean I can buy her nice things to show my affection while testing them out on others at Pete's luscious booty emporium and hot wings, I go there for the articles and wings. While Eden was dormant, I had a few controlling programs added to her logic profile, so when I say a word or specific phrase a controlled reaction will occur, don't judge me... her family is crazy and you would seek a restraining order too but I have had issues with AI's in the Imperial judicial system before so instead of clogging up that fine institution I will handle this in a humane way and by that I mean I get to live with all my appendages in tact.
Ship is in desperate need of repairs, we took some really hard bumps. Engines look like an oil change technician from jiffy lube tried to fix it and quit half way through, the navigation system definitely has an STD. Lastly, the water closet (or head or toilet) has been reversed so it blows instead of sucking (yeah I know, that's what she said). Raphael screamed when he tried to flush but the pathetic dwarf cry only lasted a second. Fearing for my life (priorities), I wouldn't open that door so we turned on the security camera (everybody has a camera in the restroom). The room filled up all the way up with water and Raphael looked like a gold fish flipping about with those big bug eyes and murmurs of either help me or touch me, no can do peewee herman I ain't going in there. We did manage to override the reverse settings but little did you know a dwarf can almost get sucked out through the head? Yeah, he is smaller than most and was half way to the promised land before we got to him. I got tired of his crying so I let him carry Mr Squiggles the rest of the day. Seemed to help but I can't look at Mr Squiggles in the eye... I know what you have been doing and places you've visited so I plan to profit off of it, you filthy little munchkin.
Yeah, I know that Variety is out there. I know she is mad. I know she has gotten as fat as a joint that Snoop Dog has rolled for Willie Nelson and that Sir or Ma'am is a fatty. I'll have to deal with her sooner or later (hopefully later) and I know her weaknesses! First her attraction to me and second is her sister Eden. So I will continue to be commander luscious yoga master me and I will also have a torrid love affair with Eden, what could go wrong? Oh yeah, need more Aloe and a coffee maker with a lot less lip. Sade, I will restore your songs soon. I need to hear you tell me that I'm a smooth operator... the way only you can because you mean it, I know you do.... Variety lied when she said you didn't love me... but she was just jealous of our special relationship, they all are. Well, in sight of Israel dock, lets see if I can get a date with that female that keeps calling me daddy.