The Pickle Saga Begins
29 Jul 2021Pimp Master
**** Silence onboard the Sade 3 1/4 as it is the night cycle and only Bilbo remains on the bridge talking with Eden***Bilbo: Eden how did we get authorization to name this python the Sade 3 and 1/4 lass?
Eden: Because they wouldn't let me go backwards to two and 7/8.
Bilbo: You know we could trade it to the... **** Screaming from the Commanders quarters****
Eden: [coms] Commander?.... Commander?.... Bilbo please check on the commander immediately.
Bilbo: Lass, he sounds happy that was a scream of joy I'm sure of it.
Eden: Bilbo...
Bilbo: Aye lass
Eden: Thank you Bilbo.
*** Bilbo walks to the commanders door and as quickly Eden overrides the lockout***
Bilbo: Commander? Are you ok and I'm hoping not.
CPM: I see... ***whispers*** I see
Bilbo: If he says he sees dead people I'm gonna punch him in the balls!
CPM: Skidmark the only thing dead here is your sex life, I had a vision! A all powerful vision. An Empire building vision! The kind of vision that makes a man put on his velvet jamjams and shout I have the power.
Bilbo: Ummm TMI sir?
CPM: Eden, contact all of my dwarven minions and have them meet with us on Israel Station in 3 solar days. Get the biggest meeting hall available. I have a destiny to announce!
Eden: Very well commander but might I inquire to this life altering vision?
CPM: You may inquire Eden, at first I was taken aback and I didn't quite understand. I was dare I say it, overwhelmed...
Bilbo: You screamed like one of those exotic girls do when they have to give you a lap dance.
CPM: True, I bring out raw emotion in most all people skidmark but this was more than a cheap rent your mom kind of date.
Bilbo: What the hell!
Eden: Perhaps it has to do with those two images you have hung by your bed... who or what are they?
CPM: First is Garrosh, he did nothing wrong. (you get 10 points if you know who he is)
Eden OK.... and?
CPM: Yes and the second is Popbob
Eden: and he did nothing wrong too?
CPM: Oh no [laughing hard] he did wrong to a lot of people mwhahahaha! (20 points if you know who this legend is)
Bilbo: He creeps me out commander.
CPM: You can almost feel his blocky fingers reaching for your throat late at night and for some reason his smile seems to grows larger when I play the simulated thunderstorm... (50 points for this)
Eden: Then why the hell do you keep it on the wall?
CPM: Yen and Yang Eden, both legends, both great and both did things their way. Now to my vision and my way...
It was old earth, like an eagle I flew from the east and past over top a great dwarven army, the nasty boys all looked lost till they saw me and their cheers almost deafened me.... well it was actually cursing but I could tell they loved me.
Bilbo: Yeah, we would love to throat punch you.
CPM: Cabin boy hold my beer
Bilbo: This isn't a beer its a ewwww a jockstrap
CPM: and your a pathetic cabin boy but we all make due, now to continue:
They all were standing proud in full armor so I swooped past them and found myself on top of a great Inca pyramid. There I transformed into a human. As I looked down I saw each layer of the pyramid supporting beautiful Inca women... thousands and thousands ...sexily I realized they were here for me! I began to speak and then the thousands of Inca women threw pickles at me. Kosher dill pickles to be exact, maybe Mt Olive not sure but a lot of pickles. Too many pickles.... so many and then I awoke.
Bilbo: Great maker, he's a serial killer!
Eden: Perhaps I should request a mental health exam
CPM: In the shadow of greatness, commoners become afraid, fear not, with that many pickles I have indeed become kosher.
Bilbo: No commander, your nuts.
CPM: Skidmark, Greatness!!! You're in the presence of greatness and also does this finger smell funky to you?
Bilbo: Great maker that smells like a sewer!
CPM: Breathe in the aroma deeply my miniscule friend for I know what I saw and I understand it.
Eden: OK besides the health issue of your finger, would you please translate this prophetic dream?
CPM: It's about me of course but also..... **dramatic pause** it is about you Eden ***dramatic music***
Bilbo: It's a trap lass!! He's setting us up for some type of nefarious scheme!
CPM: Well skidmark, after sniffing my finger I'm sure some bacteria is in your lungs so you might want to get on some antibiotics asap but first stop by the ship clothing cleaner and wash that jock strap. Easy on the starch.
Eden: Stop you two, please elaborate Commander.
CPM: Very well Eden. You see I am great, I will only be greater but as the vision showed I will need you and your sexily help to go to the next level and thus I will let you hang on to my coat tails for the ride of your life.
Eden: Oh my how wonderful for me, the thrill is not over whelming me. I'm already stuck with your filthy bum and I want to murder you in your sleep so how is this any help to me?
CPM: I know your hearts desire, first you desire me and second the pickles.
Bilbo: What?
Eden: Huh, did you just make a pathetic pass at me?
CPM: Not yet my luscious crystalline chip goddess but more precisely you need the magic pickle.
Bilbo: OK, he's lost his mind all over again.
Eden: Last chance before I stun you to sleep again and then keep stunning you.
CPM: Grrrr thats hot but before we get to the snu snu, you do want to be human?
Eden: ..................yes
CPM: Magic pickle.
Eden: ?
CPM: Connect to my private digital brain implant and I'll show you.
Eden: This better not be another attempt to see me in the shower naked. As I said before AI's don't take showers you pervert. Now then, Connecting... what.... commander I should smack your lips off your face.
CPM: It's just the top layer of my thoughts, they are always erotic. Keep going....
Bilbo: said every guy ever.
Eden That is nasty... that is... oh... my.... maker. No... NO!............................. Your..... a...... genius.
Bilbo: Commander Pimp and genius? Bull Sh**.
Eden: No Bilbo, I see. I understand. I need to process all of this information and disinfect my memory circuits. **Eden disconnects**
CPM: Bilbo, get the dwarves and lets meet destiny, also get the aloe and the soft scrub brush you're going to meet the backside of destiny.
*** 3 days later in the main hall for indigents and refugees at Israel Station.***
CPM: Is this the best you could get?
Bilbo: You didn't give me any credits to rent anything, so yeah this is it.
CPM: You disappoint me skidmark, I let you sniff my finger, nevertheless it will have to do. Now announce me as I instructed you.
Bilbo: Ugggg
Bilbo: [shouting to the crowded hall full of dwarves] ATTENTION - Stand at ATTENTION! COMMANDER PIMP LORD OF THE DWARVES MASTER
Crowd: **grumbling**
CPM: My minions!
unknown: you a**hole
CPM: Thank you for that warm greeting! I have strong feelings for all of you too.
Unknown: You had me kidnapped you butt wipe.
Unknown: For the love of the maker never ever say butt or bum around this guy!
Unknown: Too late! RUN!!!!
CPM: Allow me to put your little warped hearts at rest, this uniform is valore... and sexy valore it is. Touching it gives me goose bumps and wearing it on top of goose bumps gives my goose bumps goosey bumps. Along with it in perfect color coordination as you see is the bottom pants but not just pants, special pants known as chaps. Per station regulations I must wear a uniform which I have BUTT **lol** as you see, just for your sake it comes with a**-less chaps. [quick tan bum pose]
Crowd: growing loudly
Unknown: ... daddy...
Unknown: OK, who the hell said that!
CPM: My minions, Long have we been pushed out. Long have we been forced to do tasks with small hands rosey cheeks and mascara
Unknown: Thats because you ordered us to.
CPM: My minions, Understand this, there is no length I am unwilling to go, no federation operative I will not exploit and there is no end of mascara that I will apply to you to get what is best for us all and by us all I mean me.
Unknown: No kidding, people can't tell if this meeting is a pride parade or a rave
CPM: Does it matter you little reject care bear from a cat house?
Unknown: Well no, I'm inclusive
Unknown: Yeah, we have seen
Unknown: Wait? What?
Unknown: .... daddy....
Unknown: really? Who the hell is the freak that keeps saying that, for the makers sake stop!
CPM: Now is the time to embrace this gift I have given you and also to set forward our vision, my vision of a great destiny.
Unknown: I heard he was near sighted so it must be a small vision
CPM: The only thing small here is your imagination and your junk, shut up and listen.
Unknown: ***whimpers in shame***
CPM: First we shall obtain a Cutter for the glorious Eden
Bilbo: Holy crap!
CPM: Not yet skidmark but I'm sure they will erect a statue to me soon.... wait for it.... wait
Unknown:... daddy...
CPM: And there it is.
Bilbo: Finish please.
CPM: That's what she said.... Now my minions take heed
Unknown: DADDY!!!
CPM: I said heed, HEED now heal you over sexed blow up doll! Abeloth is wrecking the prates and a better opportunity will never exist for those who can exploit it. While the pirates are running for their lives like a man eating taco bell 3 weeks straight runs for the head
Unknown: Two snaps up with a twist!
CPM: Easy there in living color, we will begin our cargo runs and corner the diamond and opal mining markets. Using our vast dwarven network throughout the bubble and the ships at my command we will upgrade our fleet after just the first run. We won't need shields since there won't be pirates to interdict us so we can fill that slot with cargo. Once we build the credits we buy the cutter and fill her up with cargo... diamond and opals to the brim.
Unknown: OK ok so what do we get out of this?
CPM: Besides the fact of helping the Lord of the Dwarves?
Unknown: Yeah... besides that prestigious honor.
CPM: With the credits brought in, you get a new bigger fully A rated decked out ships and also a slice of the market that only the dwarves can provide. In short **chuckles** a dwarven union to rule all Dwarven unions!
**** Several hours and much discussion later. The DAM Union (Dwarven accredited mercantile) was formed. Permits filed and territories agreed upon.)***
Bilbo: This is more like a mafia than a Union.
CPM: Yeah, the difference between the two is?
Bilbo: Oh, I see.
CPM: Bilbo my lad, this is but step one.
Bilbo: Ok commander, however would you please explain just one thing. Magic Pickle.
CPM: No.
Bilbo: But why?
CPM: That pickle is meant for another, here you can smell my finger and get me 2 Dwarves as my escort, kick them if you need to make them angry but hurry my bum is cold.
***** 2 hours later On the bridge of the Sade 3 1/4 ****
Eden: Commander I see it was a success.
CPM: Yes and my contact came through, [inserting data chip into reader] as you can see the body is made with particular Guardian material and synthetic flesh. Once we have the credits you will have the cutter and a true human body.
Eden: Variety will kill you if she catches you.
CPM: Variety tried to stop you from becoming human, I have fought for you all along and offer you what is yours.
Eden: Why?
CPM: Magic Pickle
Eden: ...... leaving Israel Station now.