The Party
30 Jul 2021Pimp Master
Due to the renegade status of the AI formally known as Variety, the court ordered daily logs have been revoked and of course the commander used the time appropriately.CPM: Oh great maker I need pain killers asap.
Eden: [turning speakers to highest settings and a booming voice] I'm sorry, what did you need?
Bilbo: AAGGGGGHHHH!!! The pain, make it stop.
CPM: [On his knees holding his head] I see dead people, I see them everywhere and this is the end.
Eden[volume back to normal] You have a hang over sir and the dwarves aren't dead, they have just passed out from the large quantities of alcohol consumed.
CPM: Oh you say... then why do those two have smoke rising from their little lifeless corpses?
Eden: They were the last two standing and since all the alcohol was consumed they were positive that you had some stored in my fuel tank. Their plan was to burn open a hole using the plasma torch.
CPM: Oh so you warned them and they went for it anyway.
Eden: No
CPM: You didn't warn them?
Bilbo: I'm warning you now... all I know is its gonna blow from both ends any second and I only hope my intestines remain in tact. Oh sweet mother of scarlet Johansson this is gonna burn like the box office receipts from her last movie.
CPM: Skidmark, to the lower deck, you can hose yourself off there.
Bilbo: Aye
Eden: Quick thinking commander, that was kind of you.
CPM: Kind? My tan bum! I saw the little bastard drink, he is going to blow himself inside out. All we have to do is drop the cargo scope and let the remains slip into space. Besides you didn't warn crispy and crunchy laying there and ewwww they smell like my finger.
Eden: Your... finger aside, they kept referring to me as the invisible bit** that try's to crush their dreams. So.... I lit the little critters up like a Christmas tree. Felt goooood!
CPM: That's amazingly hot and sexy at the same time!
Eden: Your still drunk.
CPM: Yes, but I do have a little blue pill for moments like these.
Eden[volume max booming voice] OH HOW AWESOME COMMANDER TAN BUNS!!!
CPM: [falling to his face holding head] Oh maker, I'm in pulp fiction and it is not as much fun as I thought it would be. Stop Eden I give.
Eden:[normal voice] but I'm having so much fun
Bilbo:[lower deck] There she blows! *** disgusting sounds***
CPM: Eden, check and see if you can deploy the cargo scope.
Eden: Isn't it your job to check commander?
CPM: Usually yes but.... I'm blind at the moment.
Eden: How?
CPM: Your loud voice.... it turned me on and caused great pain. It felt like being married and my auto defense system cut in by shutting everything off.
Eden: You're still talking though
CPM: Eden, guys don't need brain power to talk when the other head is thinking.
Eden: Noted, Commander makes more accurate decisions when his other head does the thinking.
CPM: Eden...
Eden: One would think the larger the brain the smarter the person
CPM: Its for free food and porn Eden. It takes a lot of storage space for all of the things I have seen.
Eden: and yet there you are on the floor
CPM: stop nagging me mom and check on the kid.
Eden: He is still breathing... a tremendous amount of ooze has exited and wow. He won't be eating any fiber cereal for weeks I'm sure.
CPM: He is still alive... excellent. Transfer the video of his episode to my storage system.
Eden: and why?
CPM: The videos require the certification no one was harmed or killed in the production of this video. The jackass videos are going to get this submission! and then we will change his name to Antonio and give to scat play sites, gross but they pay top credits.
Eden: That's awful commander, he is a valued crew member.
CPM: Maybe Eden but he just valued all over your cargo bins.
Eden: Oh look, three galactic sites are ready to pay, transferring now.
CPM: That's my girl. Now, activate 100% oxygen please.
***** The rest of the solar day was spent with the commander and dwarves sleeping off the party*****
Eden: Welcome back to the bridge Commander!
CPM: Wow, that was one hell of a party Eden.
Eden: I have an audio for you to review.
CPM: Play it.
**** Sound track plays****
CPM: Woof. That was truly disturbing. Frightening even! It sounded like whales and explosions and the pain... the pain was almost hypnotic.
Eden: Hmmmm
CPM: What system did you get this from.
Eden: Here.
CPM: This system?
Eden: No, on board this ship
CPM: Red Alert, we have been boarded by Thargoids!
Eden: No commander, it was a recording of you and the dwarves sleeping. I didn't even have to fuel scoop with the gas being shot out from all of you.
CPM: Eden, we can almost do it on command and knowing that in their drunken stupor they still moan in agony makes me even happier!. Now cut on the galactic news network.
**** GalNet updates on Abeloth attacking the Formanjia system. The reporter gives detail information and the only known recording, as the reporter states that one word is spoken over and over again in anger "Pimp".
CPM: Oh well Jumanji is getting a colonoscopy right now.
Eden: You mean Formanjia
CPM: Yeah that's what I said Jumanji, they're Federation so no worries.
Eden: Yeah.... I can see what head is thinking right now. Anyway, Variety only seems to get angrier every passing day. You do have a plan to deal with my sister and don't say magic pickle?
CPM: Oh I have a great pickle of a plan [commander's seat ejects him across the bridge against the wall and the commander slides to the deck]
Eden: Sorry commander, still must be some bugs in the chair's system.
CPM: Ouch! Oh my my my, a little feisty this morning eh? Well the big bad booty daddy likes a little spanky spank!
Eden: Apply voltage to the bridge deck
CPM: [Scream}
Eden: Had enough?
CPM: [Smoke rising from the tan bum] I like it when your aggressive, i do but no bruises ok.
Eden: Oh my maker, you enjoy this don't you?
CPM: I pay for it every other week at Mistress Slappin-u-ova, see I got the frequent members card.
Eden: There is something deeply wrong with you.
CPM: What tipped you off first, the dwarves in mascara, the dresses and heels or the stuffed bear?
Eden: Popbob
CPM: As it should be.