The Commander returns with fresh velour
11 Aug 2021Pimp Master
Israel Station, somewhere in the bubble.CIC[female officer]: Wow, it's been weeks and I can't get over how professional this station is!
CIC [Officer of the deck]: ***laughing slightly*** Yeah, there was a time not so long ago that it wasn't like this.
CIC[female officer]: Really? How, I mean I can't imagine that! I will admit there is a strange advisory notice posted in the female officers dressing room... if you see a pimp, beat that pimp to death". Whats that all about?
CIC [Officer of the deck]: Commander Pimp Master *** sudden screams from around the room*** Yeah, as you can see that Commander evokes strong responses.
CIC[female officer]: Who? How?
CIC [Officer of the deck]: Let's just say that nightmares of thargoids are better than your experience with Commander Pimp.
CIC (enlisted female): Let's not forget the dwarven escort and his pension for walking around without pants!
CIC[female officer]: What?!?!
CIC [Officer of the deck]: Listen, some things are best left in the past. Some say he is dead, an AI went rogue and all our best thinking is that he was killed.
CIC (enlisted female): NO! Only the good die young, he will take all of us with him.
CIC [Officer of the deck]: Get a hold of yourself soldier! We don't *** beeping from console*** We have an inbound courier.
CIC[female officer]: Indeed! This ship is carrying a very high ranking Imperial, a King!
CIC [Officer of the deck]: CIC attention, inbound VIP. Your first, you take the lead. Give the courier immediate access and put this on our overhead speakers!
CIC[female officer]: *** Thinking - I got this *** Gutamaya Papa Indigo Mike you *** shouts and screams from the command deck as well as horrified words spoken such as - can't be - oh no - and a lone voice ... daddy?***
CIC [Officer of the deck]: This must be a mistake, it can't be and he is a King? How? No, no no no!!!
CPM: CIC, This is King Pimp, Lord of the Dwarves, master of velour and the man with a tan bum! The big bad booty daddy has returned. I'll expect my royal dwarven escort, 5 pounds of silken Orion aloe, a bottle of bourbon and two cups.
CIC [female officer]: 2 cups?
CPM: Yeah, one for me and one for you. 30 minutes, meet me at the bar.
CIC [female officer]: ....ok.
CIC [Officer of the deck]: 2 cups? OK?
CIC [female officer]: Hey, I use to cosplay so velour is my kink. How much trouble am I in?
CIC [Officer of the deck]: CIC to medical lab, we need a doc sent to CIC with a penicillin shot.
Med Lab: CIC, we don't allow medicine to be given without an exam first... you know that!
CIC [Officer of the deck]: Yeah, my new officer has a date with the big bad booty daddy.
Med Lab: Oh Great Maker, bringing the crash kit now!
***** Dock *****
Dock Master (DM): Welcome back Pimp, I see you've downsized.
CPM: Only my ship mate, I still like'em anyway I can get'em, small, tall, large, luscious or breathing... yeah... breathing is nice.
DM: So no luck eh?
CPM: I wouldn't say that Dock Master and oh, say hi to your mom for me.
DM: Bastard
CPM: Jealous?
DM: Nope.
CPM: Liar
DM: bite me you velour covered pompous jackass from a backwater station with only 1 landing pad.
CPM: Wow... wow. Impressive.
DM: Yeah, been saving that one for a while.
CPM: I mean that drive by hit so hard that I may never have kids again... besides the one I had with your mom... right son?
DM: Anus.
***both laugh***
DM: So how did you do it and by do it I mean get elevated to King?
CPM: Runs to Hickam and back.
DM: OK and I see some scorching on the ship, some pirate action too?
CPM: Yep. Learned my lesson quick. Put frag cannons on. I shot so hard and so long that I'm sure they thought they were back in prison. Orange is the new Pimp.
DM: ahmmmm k...
CPM: Son, never ask your parents about love, its uncomfortable for you, not me just you.
**** Dwarven Union arrives****
Dwarf1: Welcome sir
Dwarf2: Yes, welcome.
DM: Holy crap, you guys like him now? What the hell?
Dwarf1: We have a Union now and we make lots of credits. Only the Dwarven interns have to cover his tan bum now. It's great for initiations.
Dwarf2: Yeah, things have changed.
CPM: Listen you little rejects from a David Bowie concert, I need my velour uniform cleaned and pressed as well as 4 DI's (dwarven interns) sent to the bar asap.
Dwarf2: Aye Aye Commander.
DM: Quite the military unit, so what does your courier need Commander?
CPM: Not sure what that growth is on the left pylon, could be herpes or well.... clean that off and touch up the paint. Refuel, rearm and don't spare the wax.
DM: Understood, clean the commander's sex stains off the left pylon and disinfect.
CPM: You know me so well.
Dwarf1: Everyone knows you, they wish they could forget you.
CPM: Ah, so we have a spunky one here today. No worries, I have a job just for you. *** Commander takes him into ship, to the latrine***
Dwarf1: You want me to stand here and hold this roll of... of.... toilet paper?
CPM: Yep.
Dwarf1: Why would I... oh no... NO!!!!
CPM: Hold your breath if you must but understand I had curry and this is going to be a rough ride starting now ***commander sits on throne***
Dwarf1: Great Maker, my nose hairs!!! They be burning like the deepest fire of hades. ***coughing and gagging***
DM: The screams will haunt me for the rest of my life but there is no way I am going to go in there.
Dwarf2: Not my problem, I'm going to get his uniform pressed... told him to keep his mouth shut but he wouldn't listen.
** Scream from the latrine **
Dwarf1: Sweet mother of mercy I'm blind!
*** later at bar***
Bartender: Commander! Sweet velour!
CPM: You know it baby!
Bartender: Glad to have you here, it's been slow and *** bartender sniffs the air*** does it smell like sulfur to you?
CPM: Tan bum wiper, go clean your filthy self up and then get back here with the dwarven interns.
Dwarf1: I will never eat curry, I will never eat curry.
Bartender: Whats his problem.
CPM: You know when people say stop and smell the flowers?
Bartender: Yeah?
CPM: Well, sometimes the flowers smell like curry and the stars you see are the blood vessels in your eyes melting.
Dwarf1: So much death... pain.... evil.
CPM: and if you don't hurry I will show you curry mixed with grain alcohol.
*** Dwarf runs into wall and into bar, knocking over plants and stools, eventually running out of the room***
Bartender: So what will it be?
CPM: Bourbon and two cups
Female Officer: Well hello Commander!
CPM: At last, call me Pimp
Female Officer: Just Pimp?
CPM: You can call me daddy if you like but I'm not paying extra.
Female Officer: ....
CPM: A joke, good thing we have bourbon cause you need to loosen up a bit lass.
Female Officer: Commander I have heard horror stories about you.
CPM: Lass, have you ever noticed how much people hate a winner?
Female Officer: They didn't call you a winner, maybe a weiner though.
CPM: It's the velour lass, touch it and see for yourself.
Female Officer: ooohhhh so soft and such high quality and oh my maker, where the hell are your pants?
CPM: Don't need them with a bum this tan. Look
Female Officer: That's just wrong and so poor in taste and so...... can we get this to go?
CPM: Yes.
Bartender: I don't believe it
CPM: Moral of the story mate, you may be called a freak, nasty, pervert, degenerate, horrible yoga instructor but eventually the law of averages says there will be at least one lady that will have low self-esteem and will say yes.
Female Officer: Sure, I slum every now and again.
CPM: So, what's your name?
Female Officer:*** walking with CPM out the door*** Leela but tonight you can call me daddy.
CPM: Uh oh... you haven't been to jail have you?