Commander breaks funny bone or Zero G look at me
17 Aug 2021Pimp Master
Somewhere in the bubble, deep in space with a cracked pelvis a dwarf and an AI that is hot. Throw in some tacos and we have a commercial. Eden: Commander do you think it was a good idea for you to leave the med bay early for deep space duty?
CPM: Listen Eden, it's just a fractured pelvis and with nano medicine, I should be fully active within the next 2 days.
Eden: So let me get this straight, you're in pain and you would rather run a mining mission than be laid up with nurses taking care of you?
CPM: I don't want to discuss this Eden.
Bilbo: Aye, he doesn't want you to know the story Eden.
CPM: Skidmark, don't you have a latrine to clean or some velour to press?
Eden: Oh my, struck a nerve, I must know now!
Bilbo: Aye lass, what a story it is too!
CPM: I'll tell my own stories thank you both and not because this little reject from fallout 76 said anything. So it begins like this, Love was in the air...
Bilbo: and by in the air you mean zero G?
CPM: No, that was later.
Eden: You mean when you got the cracked pelvis?
CPM: No, that was much later.
Dwarf1: Daddy?
CPM: No, that was never, get back to work you little nasty from a Madonna 90's video, who let him on board.... he creeps me out. Now as I was saying, Love was in the air... just love and leave it there k? My hard work to achieve the Imperial rank of King had paid off and the respect that was due to me was finally being paid.
Eden: Respect?
Bilbo Hahahahaha!!! How the hell do you respect a ham sandwich????
Dwarf1: I'll always respect you Commander.
CPM: As MC Hammer once said, you can't touch this. Now go away and haunt someone else PeeWee Herman.
Bilbo: Every time your mean to him, he likes you more.
CPM: So be nice?
Bilbo: Oh great maker no, we would never get him off the bridge or your leg.
CPM: So lets just shoot him out the cargo scoop and say we ran out of ammo and had to use what was on hand.
Bilbo: Hmmmm might work. Everyone knows your affinity for mascara wearing dwarves.
Eden: Commander! Bilbo! Absolutely not.
CPM: Yes mom.
Bilbo: Mommy?
Eden: Electrical current being applied to the bridge **Bilbo looks like he is break dancing and the commander is still sipping his coffee**
Bilbo: Oh geez, why did I get kicked in the gonads and the commander just sips coffee like nothing just happened?
Eden: The commander has insulated the command chair and fixed the so called bug that ejects the occupant randomly.
CPM: Hell yeah, I was getting PTSD from that thing.
Bilbo: All good things come to an end I guess but I will miss seeing you get flung across the room like an old lady at Walmart during black Friday door rush.
Eden: As will I.
CPM: Screw both of you, I'd lay this chair flat and roll over so you could stare at my ass but this cast keeps me from such a glorious site.
Dwarf1: No tan bum?
CPM: Cry not my small and creepy friend, my tan bum will be back soon enough. Now lets get back to my story...
Eden: Yes, so?
CPM: Love was in the air, I meet this rather beautiful officer from CIC, her name was Leelu or was it Leeful anyway who cares...
Bilbo: Leela?
CPM: Yeah, thats it! So as we walked out I knew this would be a night to remember! A night filled with romance, wonder and the big bad booty daddy would not disappoint.
Eden: Disappointment is your middle name.
CPM: No, its Englassious or En for short.
Bilbo: Pimp En Master. Please, no.
CPM: Pimpin ain't easy
Eden: There it is.
Bilbo: So just skip to the good part where you're suffering please.
CPM: Skidmark, know this, I've passed kidney stones that look like you and caused me less grief. Anyway, we make it back to the officers quarters and I station the dwarven escort outside. While inside she puts on some skimpy Orion outfit and begins to seduce me with tequila and Sade. It worked.
Bilbo: Yeah, she could have just looked at you and you would have been seduced.
CPM: I have standards
Eden: No you don't
Bilbo: Name just one.
CPM: Breathing.
Eden: Her or you?
CPM: Does it matter?
Bilbo: There it is.
CPM: I'd rather skip the intimate parts but to say that the snu snu was impressive would be a disservice to me. I performed like a Greek god...
Bilbo: You froze like stone when she approached?
CPM: There's that but I also looked really good.
Eden: So you didn't make snu snu did you?
CPM: Well... no... see when she bent over to place her drink on the table, I saw her thong and soft bum and I realized that this was the first time that a woman was.... yeah I froze as solid as a stone statue. She jump on my lap like a kid going to see Santa and well I forgot that woman from the high G planets in the Orion sectors weigh much more than the normal.
Eden: Thicker density and bone structure.... holy... she cracked you like an egg!
CPM: An organic sexy rare egg Eden
Eden: So you cracked like Humpty Dumpty and????
CPM: She held me close to her bosom and almost suffocated me while she asked if I was alright.
Bilbo: I'm sure that wiggled your ears.
CPM: Her breath was hot but the problem was the lower wiggle.
Eden: It ... I mean you still functioned?
CPM: Oh my silicon starlet, II always function.
*** Meanwhile back on the CIC bridge of Israel Station***
Leela: I felt bad for him, I asked if he was ok and he said " I'm fine" in a child like whimpering way.
CIC Commander: I almost feel bad for him.... almost. Then what? You didn't just let this opportunity pass did you?
Leela: Oh no! I pulled his face into my chest and whispered as softly as I could, you're such a strong and powerful commander I'm so turned on right now by you.
CIC Commander: and?
Leela: The magic happened down below and his face went as pail as a ghost.
CIC Commander: Did he pass out?
Leela: Yes but with respect he went out like a commander.
CIC Commander: How?
Leela: He said... death by snu snu, I am a King so Leelu please give my velour to the homeless children so they can stay warm this winter and then he chiped like a little bird and went out cold.
CIC Commander: Wow. He thought of homeless and poor children... wow. I feel bad how we treated him now.
Leela: Besides the fact that he could never get my name right, yeah I thought he was this monster but he wasn't.
*** Back to the Sade***
Eden: So you said give the clothes to the children? OK... what's the catch?
Bilbo: Yeah, what gives?
CPM: Well, if I was going to die, at least I would have a station full of wet nosed rat bastards running around in my clothes so everyone would think I was the King of Love.
Eden: There it is, you wanted to be thought of as Hugh Hefner.
Bilbo: Really, even in death you were thinking about scamming people?
CPM: Skidmark, never miss an opportunity to make money or love.
Dwarf1: Daddy!
CPM: That's it, open the cargo scope now! [Dwarf1 runs off of bridge]
Bilbo: So where did this zero G scuttlebutt come from?
CPM: The greatest days of my life happened then.
Eden: So why did you leave?
CPM: A man, even a King only has so much love to give and the nurses wanted more than I could give in my weaken state.
Bilbo: Really?
CPM: Yeah, really [angerly shouting]
Eden: Let's play the video to him Bilbo
CPM: Video?
Bilbo: Video!
CPM: That's got to be a HIPPA violation!
Eden: Oh you were violated for sure.
Bilbo: This is going to be so good
CPM: Oh this is going to be awful.
***Part 2 of Commander breaks funny bone or Zero G look at me coming soon*****