So A Commander, Engineer and Stewardess enter a burning Station
17 Sep 2021Pimp Master
Thargoids attacking the Cornsar system, a strange shadow figure named Salvation warning us, a rogue AI on a rampage and a new Matrix movie coming.... the entire galaxy seems to be in flames and yet some things still remain the same.CPM: Skidmark, I need you on the bridge asap.
Bilbo: Aye Commander
*** Moments later***
Bilbo: Commander you, oh great maker! Why didn't you warn me this was your private time.
CPM: Private time? What are you on about.
Bilbo: That... just that.
CPM: Oh please, after those crazy nurses and that doctor, I lost the tan on my bum. I need to, no, I must refresh this glorious ass tan asap.
Bilbo: Yeah, not working for me.
CPM: Well I didn't call you up here to ask you to hump my leg skidmark, I called you to track down this weird noise I keep hearing.
Bilbo: So what does it sound like.
CPM: When I first heard it I thought the cargo hatch got stuck but then it sounded like... well... something far more disturbing almost freighting.
Bilbo: Like?
CPM: I really rather not, it causes my skin to shiver, just find it please.
Bilbo: Yeah... ok... so I will be heading back to engineering now.
CPM: Not until you find the source of that weird noise.
Bilbo: Oh, I found it already.
CPM: Really?
Bilbo: Really.
CPM: and?
*** Bilbo looks to his left and stares***
PeeWee: Hello Commander!
CPM: For the love of Danika Patrick small booty, what the hell man. You mean to tell me that awful noise was you! How? That first sound was metallic.
PeeWee: Yeah... my zipper got stuck.
CPM: Listen you reject from a nightmare on elm street, this is not a porn theater PeeWee.
Bilbo: Hahaha by the looks of that corner, it is now.
PeeWee: I am a little dehydrated.
CPM: I am a little grossed out
Bilbo: A little?
CPM: My ass is glorious so I can understand its attraction.
*** grinding metallic sound***
PeeWee: Welcome to PeeWee's playhouse Daddy.
Bilbo: What the hell man!
CPM: Put him in the mainframe room, he can sort out the files and send one of those robots to disinfect the bridge.
PeeWee: Here Commander take this $100 credits, its been great.
*** PeeWee walks out***
CPM: Did he just tip me?
Bilbo: Yeah... yeah... things keep getting stranger and stranger around here.
CPM: $100 credits for tanning my ass... I'm thinking only fans.
Bilbo: Really? Look at your monitor.
CPM: It's an internal message... from PeeWee, Can you put a board up and write the names of the highest donors? Thank you Daddy.
Bilbo: Only Fans it is.
CPM: Killing internal cameras now.
Bilbo: Ah, a text from PeeWee, When will the next live stream happen?
CPM: He needs to get a pet.
Bilbo: He has gerbils.
CPM: oh hell no. Why do we keep him?
Bilbo: Why do we keep you?
CPM: Because I'm an Imperial King
Bilbo: I'm the ship's engineer
*** voice over coms: I'm your man Daddy***
CPM: ewwww and thank you for the 5 subs. Shutting down coms.
**** 2 hours later ****
Bilbo: Heat sinks are in and the ship has been loaded with the cabins. We are ready for the rescue flight.
CPM: Excellent. Put PeeWee in the stewardess uniform and have him serve drinks to the passengers.
Bilbo: It's a 10 second flight Commander.
CPM: Tell him to pour quick.
Bilbo: Aye aye
**** Ito Market arrival***
CPM: Requesting docking... Pad 5... got it.
Bilbo: Heat is going to be an issue but I have 3 heat sinks in place so we should be good.
CPM: Thargoids know how to party.
Bilbo: I wouldn't call it a party for the folk inside the station.
CPM: Add some mascara and tune by lady gaga and you got yourself a dwarven rave party.
Bilbo: True.
CPM: Slippin through the mail slot and there is our spot. Pop off a heat sink and I'll do a quick land.
Bilbo: heat sink away
*** a quick landing and now below deck****
Bilbo: Commander we have almost filled the passenger cabins, PeeWee is serving drinks and he is getting some good tips.
CPM: Make sure we get 40% cut on those tips.
Bilbo: We have a few passengers demanding to leave the station now.
CPM: As soon as we fill the cabins.
Bilbo: Commander, a passenger on com line 3.
CPM: This is Commander Pimp NEasy Master, what can I do you for?
Passenger lady: Commander I am a very important person, please understand that it is critical for me to leave the station now! No excuses Commander. Now do as your told!
CPM: Woof. I usually have to pay a woman to talk to me like that. So beautiful, ever seen the bridge of that top 1% liner?
Passenger: Uh what... no I haven't.
CPM: Me neither, so shut the hell up or get out and walk. We will leave shortly and please tip the stewardess. She is in college and really needs the help.... close coms.
Bilbo: That's it. We are full.
CPM: yeah full of sh...
Bilbo: Moving to launch now commander.
CPM: Easy does it...
Bilbo: Easy? This place is on fire and things be droppin like we are at a grateful dead concert.
Bilbo and CPM: (looking at each other) Good times! Good Times!
CPM: Well, if I speed they will fine me
Bilbo: The world is coming to an end and the traffic cops are still hanging around... bitch please.
CPM: Yep, they live for the moment they can fine me, I need those credits.
Bilbo: For what?
CPM: Single moms.
Bilbo: Strippers eh?
CPM: Damn right.
Bilbo: Heat sink away.
CPM: Mail slot cleared, setting course for rescue ship. Tell PeeWee to hurry.
*** Docked at the rescuse ship, passengers unloaded***
RescuseShipCommander: Commander, we still have more passengers that need help.
CPM: I still have watered down booze to sell
Bilbo: I've got heat sinks
PeeWee: I got a wedgie and three phone numbers.
RescuseShipCommander: What does that even mean?
CPM: It means you should get your antibiotics distributed and we are off to rescue more suckers errr helpless people. Close com
PeeWee: I need to freshin up. *** leaves bridge***
CPM: Even Kroger can't freshin up that.
Bilbo: I would pay to watch the expression on their face when they tried though.
CPM: Speaking of fresh, did those robots clean PeeWee's play house in the corner?
Bilbo: Well... one scanned it and then went right to the cargo scoop and jettisoned itself into a burning star. Another scanned it, took pictures and laughed like the joker. It then went to the storage room, closed the door and lit itself on fire. The last one... yeah, last one saw the corner and crawled into our frame shift drive. It's last words spoken as you made a jump were "Sweet release".
CPM: No more robots?
Bilbo: Nope and I sure as hell and cleaning it.
CPM: Ok, so maybe we can burn it with fire?
Bilbo: It would have to be the flames of hell and we... is that... uh oh ----- a thargoid ship.
*** Thargoid ship moves in front and stops***
Bilbo: Should I pop a heat sink?
CPM: No, it is too close.
Bilbo: Holy crap, that must be it's scan. Computer systems are reading strange data.
CPM: It should have attacked us by now but it hasn't.
Bilbo: No, it's scanning again. The best I can determine is it's focusing on the bridge... the playhouse.
CPM: Wait.. what? The porn theater?
Bilbo: Yeah... it's fixated on that area.
CPM: Ok so we have a horny thargoid. That is now officially a thing.
Bilbo: I thought they were plants errr bad plants.
CPM: I don't care, I ain't waiting to see what may pop through the cargo hatch. FSD spinning and jumping.
**** after several rescues and a couple of thargoid mating attempts, we find out crew heading back to base****
Bilbo: Final tally, all booze sold as well as some plushies of Sade and t-shirts are all gone except for 2 in the medium size.
CPM: What was our take on PeeWee?
Bilbo: 1.8 million credits.
CPM: What?
Bilbo: He knows how to work it and he scored 17 numbers, 2 marriage proposals and according to dwarven union bylaws, all proceeds from lap dances are his.
CPM: Only fans?
Bilbo: Only fans.
CPM: **com call** Israel Station, we just finished a series of rescues at Ito Market. Unfortunately we ran into several thargoids and it appears that some caustic debris made it's way on the bridge as well as hull. 3 robots fought to hold back the thargoids but we lost all of them as well so we will need to turn in a loss statement to insurance.
IS: Understood Commander. Stay parked 3km from the station and we will pick you up as well as disinfect your ship. Do you need any other assistance?
CPM: PeeWee needs an Only Fans account.
IS: Commander, we can't help you with that. Israel Station out.
Bilbo: Why did you ask them that?
CPM: Because skidmark, they will log on to watch... everyone watches a ship wreck. It's human nature and that was free advertising.