Laughs, Tears and Velour
20 Sep 2021Pimp Master
Here we are at the Champion of Piety, yet again. How I got there... that isn't as interesting as you'd think but the story after getting there is!. Buckle up mates, lets do this!*** Somewhere in the bubble at a station getting outfitted***
Dockmaster (DM): So you want a plasma gun?
CPM: Yep, I need to check it out.
DM: OK but don't put it in the same firegroup as the other cannons. They spin slow and...
CPM: Yeah yeah, I got this.
DM: OK Commander as you wish.
*** Plasma gun installed and Krait MKII leaves the station behind***
Bilbo: So bounty hunting... an elite? You lost a screw or are you just insane Commander?
CPM: I got word this idiot is hanging out in a sector filled with security, all we need to do is smack that jack on the back of his head and the security will do the work for us and a major plus, I can see how this plasma gun works.
Blibo: You did put it on a separate fire group, right? Right?
CPM: No worries, I got this. See there he is! Security forces all around too. Hahahaha too easy.
*** Fight ensues - dodging and ducking the wrenches and balls. All looks great, the Commander almost has his victory and then like the Cleveland Browns he snatches defeat from the jaws of victory***
Bilbo: Commander be careful, that security eagle has lost it's shields and if we hit it with that plasma gun we... are now officially fu****
CPM: Uh Oh. Maybe they won't notice.
Bilbo: The whole screen just turned red like your bum after an hour in the sun, ain't no aloe gonna help us now.
CPM: NEVER bring up my tanning habits in an emergency, it causes chaffing. We'll just pay the fine and it will be.... is that the carcass of the eagle? Wow, we burned a hole through the cockpit. Thats gonna leave a mark for sure.
Bilbo: Yep and oh look we have no more shields.
CPM: Now I know how pizza feels at a buffet...
Bilbo: Cockpit glass is cracking, we are screwed.
CPM: Jumping now... ha! Still alive!
*** At 12% health the Krait docks at Leuschner City in anon mode***
CPM: Come on Bilbo, lets pay the fine and...
*** Welcome to The Champion of Piety***
Bilbo: Pay the fine he says, all good he says, don't drop the soap he says...
CPM: Stop whimpering skidmark. We have been here before.
Bilbo: Yeah we had money to pay the fine to get out, now they won't even tell us how much we owe... I'm worried Commander.
CPM: Free medical skidmark. We get free medical and dental while here. I plan on getting my teeth as pretty as pearls around a rich woman's neck.
Bilbo: Well the food is better than what we eat on the ship.
Guard: Commander Pimp Master, come with me.
CPM: Can we stop by the dentist first, I need to make a follow up appointment and *** guard tasers the commander***
Bilbo: Lad, I just want to say that you are my hero and *** guard tasers Bilbo*** What the hell man?
Guard: You should be unconscious??
Bilbo: Yeah, Eden trained me to take shocks, now I only get aroused when electricity is applied.
Guard: Wait... I errrr aroused?
Bilbo: Listen Sparky before I change your name to spanky, you have my full attention and if you want to make it out of here the same way you strolled in... you'll talk or more electricity is going to flow and Barry White is gonna sing and so will you.
*** Guard spills his guts about everything and the commander wakes up***
CPM: *** still groggy*** No no Mistress, I won't pay extra for the kick in the pancreas errr hello Bilbo, I had a weird dream.
Bilbo: Welcome back Commander, I hope the Mistress didn't rough you up to much.
CPM: She did and then made me sit outside by myself while being handcuffed to a bicycle poll. It was cold, people mocked me... it was so cold and shrinkage happens and why am I telling you this?
Bilbo: So that I may mock you in the future. Get yourself together, we have a special meeting.
CPM: How special?
Bilbo: Triplets special
CPM: *** squints and cocks eyes at Bilbo*** I'm ready.
Guard: You should be out of it for hours, what, how?
CPM: Natural reflex, I go unconscious so I don't have to pay for the service unless I can experience said service.
Guard: Sure... yeah... If you two gentle errr people would follow me.
*** In a dark room sitting at a table looking into a monitor with a blank screen***
Unknown Female voice: Introduce yourselves please.
Bilbo: I am the first officer and my name is Bilbo
CPM: My name is Commander Pimp Master, Imperial King and Lord of the Dwarves of Moria.
Unknown Female voice: ...
CPM: So can we pay our fine and get on our way?
Unknown Female voice:...
CPM:...
Bilbo: Is this like a mating ritual?
CPM: I hope so
Bilbo: You don't even know what she looks like.
CPM: Given our current surroundings, I'll risk it.
Bilbo: You'll risk? Why do the dwarves always pay for your risks?
CPM: Tan bum.
Bilbo: Tan bum?
CPM: Glorious Tan Bum
***Monitor comes on***
CPM: Hey, I'm patriotic like the next commander and I'll admit, She is royal and one hot milf...
Bilbo: You can't say that about the Emperor.
CPM: You're kidding right?
Bilbo: No, I love my life.
CPM: So do I but given the chance how could you not be attracted to a woman who runs an empire, strong, intelligent and oh so freaking beautiful?
Bilbo: I like being in one piece Commander.
CPM: I like living for dreams and skidmark, if you dream then dream big and she has got some big...
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: I might indeed have the right Commander if he can look up to my eyes.
Bilbo and CPM: Oh sh*t!!
Bilbo: You're dead. My dreams just came true, I take it all back, I love it when you risk.
CPM: Alrighty then, risk it is and in I go! *** Bilbo falls backward crying no no no*** Your majesty I humbly ask to only take a moment of your time so that...
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: Quiet Commander, you can smooth talk a picture of me later. Lets get down to business.
CPM: I didn't think it was possible but you just turned me on even more. Continue your majesty and guard, get some towels, the big bad booty daddy is now in the house.
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: Commander focus...
CPM: Not a problem.
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: As you well know the Federation is having severe difficulties.
CPM: Yeah and they are paying for 5 of my dwarven outpost along with several other reoccurring bills by a law firm named Dewy, Cheatem and Howe.
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: Excellent. I want you to unofficially continue to cause as much disruption in the Federation as you can. If you get caught, the Empire will deny any knowledge of you or your dwarven minions.
CPM: My lady, women have been denying me for years so no sweat there but besides the pleasure of screwing with the federation, what do I get from this?
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: Cheeky! Other than your freedom?
CPM: I'll be out sooner or later, that is an undeniable fact my lady. No, high risk equals high reward and as you stated, my life is low reward.
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: True it is, so what do you want?
CPM: I want you to make a personal appearance and endorsement of my travel ship the Sade.
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: What? From your verbose talk, I thought you would ask for a date or a kiss. I guess you think small Commander.
CPM: No my lady, you'll ask me for those things in due time.
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: Hahahaha *wiping tears from eyes*
CPM: They all laugh, then comes the tears then comes the velour, the soft smooth sexy velour.
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: Why did I just get a chill?
CPM: Because my lady, you get drafts from an open window, it's what drives you to the fire thats in my velour heart.
Emperor Arissa Lavigny-Duval: 50 Billion in credits from the Federation in damages, theft or mayhem. Only then will I consider your pathetic requests. You are now my Privateer Commander Pimp Master. Serve me well and maybe I'll let you live.
CPM: Oh My Maker, Guard get me a Towel!!! and gatorade... STAT!!
*** Meeting over and leaving the Prison Station after all fines being paid***
Bilbo: You hit on the Emperor! You're mad.
CPM: No, I now have a personal license to F things up in the Federation skidmark, which comes easy as mascara does to the dwarven dance troop and I get a shot at her endorsing our passenger liner.
Bilbo: Eden will love this.
CPM: Eden is the kind of girl you marry, this is for the Empire and my velour.
Bilbo: You're so full of it.
CPM: Did you get a recording of our conversation?
Bilbo: As soon as I hit the floor I crawled over to the console and switched the crystals, yeah I got it and the guard was so scared of me he never looked in my direction. Blackmailing her is very dangerous Commander.
CPM: Skidmark, the recording is for my personal pleasure... get me the crystal and several towels and some aloe. Starcade is about to begin.
Bilbo: So you're not going to blackmail her?
CPM: Oh I wouldn't go that far, we may not go down in history but we sure as hell will go down on whomever we can! Right now, I'm her Privateer and she is the meal ticket we need. Contact the dwarven Union we have a rave to plan in Federation territory, also get ready to send that transmission to Verity, it's time for certain ghost to come back and haunt.