Pickle 2.0
23 Aug 2023Pimp Master
Israel Station 0930 [We are in space so there is no weather... mood set] OIC: Staff I'm glad you're here, I have news.
Staff 1: News? We always have news ma'am.
OIC: Quiet!
Staff 4 whispers to Staff 5: This must be serious, she is sweating profusely.
OIC: Prepare yourselves [serious looks from the staff] Commander Pimp Masters will be docking soon.
[Gasps and a horrified scream echo through the conference room]
[From the back of the room a lone voice grunts out] Oh yeah baby, the party is about to begin and the aloe will be flowing hard.
OIC: Sgt Slaughter, there will be no party and no Aloe flowing hard
Sgt Slaughter: OIC, where there is velour there is Commander Pimp Master and also aloe.
OIC: Not any more
Sgt Slaughter: Are you still angry about the pickle incident?
OIC: I told you to never mention that in public.
Staff 2: Pickle incident?
Staff 3: [whispers to staff 2] The Commander set off on a venture collecting dill pickles. The OIC was invited to an ambassadorial gathering where Pimp had set up a taste testing of said pickles. The object was to feel the crunch, little did everyone know that the pickles had been spiked with a rare narcotic.
Staff 2: Oh crap he roofied the OIC?
Staff 3: Not just her but everyone. It was 3 hours later that we found them in the launch bay wearing velour chaps and rubbing aloe on themselves. The OIC and Lt Sara Nudgworth snuggled next to Pimp on his ship in his velour bedsheets. They swear nothing happened but there was aloe and Commander Pimp was heard talking to his first officer Bilbo telling him to inform the crew he had relations with the command staff.
Staff 2: That is horrible... disgusting... do you have any pictures?
Staff 3: Hell, I purchased the Only fans membership!
OIC: Enough of this!!! Despite the malicious rumors you have heard let us proceed. We can not ban Commander Pimp as he has protection from the Empire but we can assign guards to monitor his whereabouts.
Security Chief: No, I don't think that will work.
OIC: Why not?
Security Chief: Well last time we had an ongoing investigation three quarters of my staff got so intoxicated that they couldn't report for duty.
Sgt Slaughter: Was that before or after they were caught playing strip poker with the dwarves at the Alien strip club [Trade Mark kind of like Starbucks but more fun].
Security Chief: That was serious, some of them had alcohol poisoning... who knew dwarves could drink that much?
Sgt Slaughter: Your mom.
OIC: That was juvenile and uncalled for.
Sgt Slaughter: No seriously, the dwarves took his mom to the club.
OIC: Wait... what??
Security Chief: [sobbing softly] My mother has a bit of a wild side.
Staff 3: [whispering to staff 2] Yeah she was on the only fans site too!
OIC: So what are we to do? Nothing!?!?
Security Chief: I would suggest a round of antibiotics and a PSA informing staff and visitors to look at eye level only.
Staff 5: Eye level only? Why?
OIC: Commander pimp may or may not be wearing pants. He might even be wearing assless velour chaps.
Sgt Slaughter: The man has got style and aloe
OIC: No aloe!! Or Pickles for the love of the deities we must remove all aloe and pickles from Israel Station immediately.
Staff 1: I just received notification from the command center that Commander Pimp has docked.
OIC: Oh no. No! NOOOOOOOO! Its too late.
Sgt Slaughter: Velour as far as the eye can see along with a whole bunch of butt cheeks. Muwahahaha
Security Chief:[ Whispering into communicator] Mom, I need you to stay in your room. Why? well just because... what do you mean your going out? Where? With who?.... DWARVES!!!!! No mom, please not again!!!
OIC: Security Chief what is the matter?
Security Chief: Lets just say my mother has a dwarf fetish.
Sgt Slaughter: Don't knock it bud, we dwarves are legendary for our creations, drinking and foot massages. The last one is a lie but we do like feet for other reasons.
OIC: Sgt Slaughter, stop that talk now. Pervert!!
Sgt Slaughter: You have no idea the horror I have seen or committed muwahahaha.
Security Chief: I suggest we go to a level three alert.
OIC: Lets do it.
Staff1: Seems like things are about to get a lot more serious around here.
Dockmaster: Commander Pimp, the dock crew will start on repairs immediately, aloe is being transferred as we speak. The doctor is waiting for you in the medical bay and errr well... would you happen to have anymore of those pickles lad?
PimpMaster: [A steel gleam shoots from his eye to the dockmaster] Well DM, I would happen to have the new and improved dill pimp my pickle. Guarantied to add three inches to some part of your body and as an added bonus no memories which means no regrets.
Dockmaster: Lad, thats hard core!
PimpMaster: You're telling me, Bilbo ate 2 and that his ass was Snow White.
Bilbo: You said I slept the whole time!
Dwarf 1: You tried tucking us in bed at night
Dwarf 2: Then you tried to get us to play the prince and kiss you.
Dwarf 3 The dress went a bit too far
Dwarf 2: No the lip stick
Bilbo: What the hell?
Dwarf: 1: Yeah about that...
Dwarf 3: You spent a lot of time in front of the mirror and the Commander tossed you some lip stick saying lipstick on a pig is it still a pig?
Dwarf 2: Yeah it's still a pig.
Bilbo: How long was I roofied?
Pimp: About a week... we cut back on chemical x because of that.
Dockmaster: Oh wow... I'll take 6.
Bilbo: Meet us in the club, we got some gals waiting for us there.
Pimp: OK, off to the doc, this is kind of burning and I need to get it looked at.
Dwarf2: As long as we don't have to look at it anymore.
Dwarf 1: Like what ever made you think we were medical professionals?
Dwarf 3: I don't know, it made it easy to find him when he screamed every time he was in the head.
Bilbo: Well there was that small pleasure.
Pimp: Dwarven escort, form up now.
Dwarf 2: Oh man
Bilbo: Shut up and stand in front of the Ass man.
Pimp: Thats Commander ass man Bilbo.
Dockmaster: It's good to have you back.. oh by the bye, where is Eden?
Dwarf 1: She is locked in her room. We had a pickle party one night and she said we got a wee bit frisky.
Eden {Speaking on the dockmaster's com unit} Dockmaster
Dock master: Yes Eden.
Eden: Please institute level 1 disinfection on interior and exterior.
Dockmaster: Holy cow lass, the ship is infested? With what?
Eden: Not infested but rather stained by human and dwarven body fluids.
Dockmaster: Wait what?
Eden: Yeah they had a pickle party and tried to romance me. You know Dwarves like feet... alot. Once the started going at my arm pits I knew it was time to secure myself.
Dockmaster: But what did the Commander do...
Eden: He put a spacesuit on and humped the cock pit window on the outside of the ship. He kept saying it was a new POV for the crew to witness his velour moment.
Dockmaster: Lass thats insane.
Pimp: Maybe so DM but sweet love was made that night.
Eden: We were in space jackass, there is no day or night.
Pimp: Maybe so, but every time I go number 1 I see stars and some blood so...
Dwarf 2: So you got an STD from the ship.
Pimp: Don't assume the ship was the cause but it defiantly has a spuder in the engine intake now.
Dockmaster: You infected the ship with an STD?
Pimp: Like a boss wearing a smooth velour robe smoking a cigar.
Eden: There is nothing smooth about your actions Commander.
Pimp: Aloe Eden, Aloe and velour... even you aren't immune.
Eden: You said it was a memory upgrade
Pimp: Off to the doctor my Dwarven escort.
Eden: Commander answer me, what happened... don't ignore me!! COMMANDER!!!!!