Three Years Later
29 Apr 2020Isaiah Evanson
April 29, 3306It’s been three years, and it hasn’t gotten any easier.
Despite all that’s happened in the time between then and now, despite all the efforts of so many — despite my best efforts — I feel as though we’re no closer to understanding the conspiracy Kahina tried to warn us about.
There are no names, no faces. We can see the tapestry but are unable to pull it back to see who is behind it all. We busy ourselves with following dead-end leads, going back over and over again to try and make sense of things we’ve already pulled apart and dissected. We tell everyone we meet to listen to her words, to examine the evidence for themselves — and nothing changes.
We’ve done so much in the years since she died. Liberating Coma, rebuilding the Legion in Prism, securing a home in Colonia from which to foster a growing resistance. But I don’t know where we go from here.
It’s madness. Everyone knows it. So why persist? Why keep trying? Why go on?
I am still possessed by ideas that should have died with her. Still driven by her memory when so many others have given up or let her go.
I have to make a choice soon.
The decisions I’ve made ever since that day have cost innumerable lives. To my shame, even those who brought me joy in these dark times have suffered as a result of my choices. When weighed in the balance, my decisions have hurt more than they’ve helped.
The Nameless are thriving here in Carcosa now, though their enemies continue to wage war through proxies and hidden agents. That is a part of life here, and always will be. But I see the Reapers taking on a life of their own, and Carcosa has turned from a battlefield to a bastion of freedom. For once, I feel as though this movement doesn’t need me anymore. Because I see the people we’ve met and helped along the way taking charge of their own lives, making their own decisions and owning them fully. I see new leaders rising up to take on the challenge of protecting this new home we’ve built.
If I choose to stay, will I hinder the progress being made now? And if I leave, will things remain intact? It’s the uncertainty of it all that paralyzes me.
Phisto and I stepped back from the Fusiliers once they gained the momentum to determine their own destiny. Perhaps that’s what’s happening here and now in Carcosa. Perhaps it’s time for me to step back too, and let the momentum we’ve built carry the Reapers and the Nameless from this point on.
I think Kahina would agree too, if she was still alive.
There’s still a larger conflict raging. Still questions that linger and demand answers. I want to go back and find them — for myself, if no one else. I want to know what is worth more… to be Elite, or to be dangerous? I think I know the answer, but I need to find the final proof.
Things are changing. All I can do now is change with them.