Logbook entry

Getting Back Out There


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I managed to get out of Reorte clean, with the heatsinks I earned installed and ready to rock. Malcom was apprehensive about setting out again so soon after working so hard to engineer the Gambit, but he quickly warmed to the idea when I showed him some pictures from my trip to Monkeyhead and told him how much peace it brought me.

Hello Aurora. I'm sorry for reaching out to you like this but our normal methods have been compromised. You're not well, darling. You need to go to ground.

Even though I've done this dozens of times now, I still feel giddy every time I head out to a new system to survey the life I find there. Today it was a simple test run to make sure the Gambit is ship shape. I found a few systems with a dense distribution of biosignals and we picked two of them to check out and got jumping. It felt like blinking and suddenly we were there. This ship jumps so goddamn far I can't even handle it. Deep space exploration in this is going to be a piece of cake. Just have to make some time to stop at the mineral shard sites and gather the last of the raw materials to keep us self-sufficient for a few months running.

But would you look at what we found!


We promise, this log will be retrievable. You've probably already figured it out. I'll be honest, when you took up the idea of deep space exploration, I was so happy for you. Some of my superiors, less so, but still interested in what you'd potentially come up with.

But based on what we've seen coming back from you, you're not supposed to be doing this. Go back and replay previous logs if you have to. We know it hurts. We're sorry.

Here are the basics of what's going on. We wouldn't recommend trying to repeat this information on your own, as it is *extremely* stressful. First, conditioned aversions. There are some topics you'll find it quite impossible to talk about. Generalizing sometimes helps, but metaphor can be dangerous, so please be careful.

Every time I see life like this I'm absolutely mystified. For fuck's sake, this could be a grass, and that took until 60 mya to evolve on Earth. What's it doing so evidently early in this planet's life history? Mal and I worked in shifts heading out to the cold and picking up samples, double copying them so we can save one canister to our on-board lab. It's a little less spacious than I had it on Asmodai, but still quite comfortable for the two of us. The best news is that there's room for an onboard gym with enough space for a few machines on top of the heavy-bag. Ones that even still work in 0G if needed. Sooo much better than the tiny garden shed I had to work with in Bradbury (RIP).


Second, selective memory, enforced by a very similar method. Your brain is primed not to go there by accident. It will take effort to try and retrieve that information, and there's a wall of aversion in your way. It appears it's being utilized now in ways we never predicted. And we'll be honest here: We're not sure who's doing it.

Finally, don't worry. What they did with you was... unorthodox perhaps, but nothing outside of your previous behavior parameters. We're sure it will come back in time. It's how they did it which concerns me and compels me to break protocol to contact you.

She's a great ship. Easy to fall in love with. Snappy, fast, light on the controls, and able to land on a stick of chewing gum compared to poor wide-assed Asmodai. The Gambit does have one glaring flaw, though. The retro-thrusters are suuuper weak. There's very little room for error in this ship, and as fast as it is, you have to be very careful not to overshoot your target.

Goddamn I needed this... It feels like it has been so long since I just sat back and admired the beauty of this Galaxy. Mal and I ended up one evening getting a little cozy in the cockpit watching three suns set at once. He seemed... so concerned. Just genuinely concerned for me. And it felt... great. I'm so glad to have a friend like him. Even if he is an employee, I definitely think of him as a friend, too. I've already guaranteed him 20%, well above standard... I'm wondering if maybe I should go higher. It just... knowing what i know about labor, it feels wrong to even consider market rate. He should be given his share of the profit he generates for this little company we have. I'm just not sure how to make it happen. I'll figure it out in time I guess.


Don't worry about exactly who I am right now. Just know that you need help. Go to ground. It's going to get worse before it gets better.

But there are ways to slow it down in the meantime. Admittedly, maintaining a low-stress lifestyle is one such method. We can't - *I* can't - let them tear you apart. Good luck, Aurora. You can make it!

But even now, I still have this deep seated, almost primal urge to run back into danger. Or at least away from here, ripping and tearing my way through whatever or whoever stands in my way. Like some long-sated beast is suddenly going unfed, and needs conflict to live. And I can't tell if it's me being straight up addicted to the power rush of violence or if it's something... Else. The thought of not being in control of myself sickens me too much to even consider that, though. It's the worst kind of self relationship such as it is. I just want to see the stars when I'm fighting, and when I'm charting the stars all I want is blood. It's a cruel joke if you ask me. One specifically applied to veteran Mercs who want out. I'm convinced of it.

Hopefully that's not all there is to it. Hopefully I can collect myself and focus on the process of studying life in the galaxy. Hell, I can telepresence into the CQC Tournament for... some of our journey at least. Maybe that'll scratch the itch? I sure hope so, because right now I feel drenched in the stuff.

Alright, well I'm going to go metaphorically shower the viscera out of my hair while taking a literal shower. I'll keep the log posted on anything new and amazing I find out here.

Be Seeing you

- Rory

...What? ...'File Index Error?' That's insane, I can still see the timestamp running, how is it not... Ok what if i


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