Alice, what's the matter? Prologue
25 Jan 2023Willow Thorn
So every time I open or close my hand now, I imagine I hear mechanical action and feel hydraulics moving inside my palm. Like, I know that's stupid because I didn't have any cybernetics fitted; the hospital used Nano-Surgery to repair the damage, but like, I'm feeling mechanical parts with every movement. I mean, it's not like I didn't know people suck, right? I've been shot at just for trying to visit an engineer, you know? But this feeling in my hand just brings it all back.
Like, these people took me hostage and put a bullet through my hand just to prove to Maul and Descartes they meant business. All I did to earn this treatment was scoop up a woman in an escape pod and see to it she got medical care. Yeah ok, so she returned the favour and got me away from the bastards that took me, but like the whole thing has shattered my trust in people, like my trust in the human race you know?
So if I feel that way, why am I bothering with a log? I mean, I talk big about falling out with the human race, but my family is in that group and I'd lose my shit more than I have already if they were wiped out. So like, that lets me know I'm the one that's got the problem, and like, I need to get away and sort my head out you know? And like, typing it out is better than just voicing it, but like, I'll be dictating it too because it's real hard to fly and type a log safely right?
So I'm looking at this Thargoid situation and thinking about it. Like, I've visited many of what people call the Barnacle Sites and never once had a problem from the Space-Flowers, even though I was harvesting Meta-Alloys. I'm straight up stealing from them, and the worst the Goids ever did was shut me down and scan my ship.
You, like, by that I mean other people, have shot at me just for turning up at a popular station; or trying to do the work I was contracted for. And I was like totally shot through the fucking hand for rescuing someone hundreds of light years out of the bubble, and then trying to find her ship for her. So yeah, I'm thinking I'm done with other people, and the Goids are onto something.
Like, I know that's not right, but it's how I feel thanks to everything that's happened, so I'm going to take my self away from it all and sort my head out. I need to be away from well-meaning people telling me what to think and actually workout how I really feel. So that's a good reason to go exploring, right?
Yeah ok, so now I'm going back to the Guardian sites and getting what I need for the modules to deck out an Anti-Tharg ship, in case I find out I don't agree with the Goids after all. Maybe becoming part of an AX crew will make me feel like the human race isn't a total waste of fucking time. So here I am, stocked and locked on my way out of the bubble with no fanfare. My special cargo is safe, and when my head isn't a total fucking mess, and I know what I'm going to do, I'll turn back.
So that means I could be away for a few days, or if I can't get it straight, I may never come back. What ever happens, I'll leave something behind as a marker; I mean, I made a book of the dead so all those people I cared for at the end would have some sort of memorial to show they once existed. It would be real selfish of me to take that way from them, and a total waste of my professional life up to now.
Ok, so I'm making it sound as if I just up and left, but it’s not like I got here quickly, it took some time you know? I mean, I was in the hospital for about a week with mom and my brothers hovering around the bed. They didn’t say it out loud, but I could tell they were thinking I got what I deserved for not listening to them. They always thought I was too soft to be out there on my own. And like there was the ship to sort out too; that took days and yet more credits. I had to buy it back from Oak so he couldn’t track it through the Pilot's Federation you know? How can I get away and get my shit straight if my big brother can tell on me the moment I dock some place or pass too close to a Nav-Beacon?
On top of the time and money it took to fix my hand, and get my ship back from my brother, I wanted to get a fake identity created too. I had to get all that done before dealing with the trouble I had getting the cargo I wanted to take with me out to the beyond. Like, I'm trying to do all this and I'm still struggling with the memory of what I've been through you know? It's real hard to get shit done when you keep having visions of fire and blood. Like I don't even know if its my blood or a sharp exsanguination of the people that hurt me; as for the fire, well who doesn't like a good cleansing fire to burn away unwanted memories right?
No matter how hard I try to keep my self busy and not focus on what's swimming around in my skull, it’s still all there when I sleep. Memories of pain and captivity followed by hot vengeance and cold fear. I guess it’s going to stay with me until I figure things out. I mean, I could talk with Maul about it, he's alright for a shady guy, and there's Descartes. Like, she's good, I like her, but both of them left me you know? They just took off right when I needed them, and like, I was trying so hard not to.. I don't know, not to be like me and .. What ever right? I'm pissed off and I don't want to lay that on them, or my family right now.
I'm heading out, leaving that mess behind so I can chasing something good and find my self again. Alice chased a white rabbit to Wonderland, but maybe I’m more like Captain Ahab chasing a white whale to my doom.
