Chatting
10 Feb 2024Kasumi Goto
I sat on the wide sofa in the living room that faced away from the entrance, toward the TV, just relaxing a little there with one arm placed on the arm rest of its left side, when I heard the door open up. Didn't really need to look to know it was Seo - I'd learned how to 'keep track' through our shared mind link by now, too. Though, of course, I didn't go poking into her head. Usually."Hey, Kira. So you're not in your bedroom today?", she inquired.
I turned my head in her direction and shrugged. Right now, I didn't feel much of a need to be hiding away in there, and this apartment, generally, was my safe space, so I didn't mind being in the living room either. My current mood was in some way reflected in my attire - still the same shirt, but instead of regular pants, I wore snug shorts that went just about to the knees, which further highlighted the disproportionate nature of hips and thighs compared to the calves. No gloves for once, either. Seo came and sat down to my right. The TV was on, but it served more as background noise at a low volume, to add a little livelihood to the room.
"You look happy.", she remarked toward me.
"I am.", I replied. "I feel... at home."
That was all I could really say. I was quite content to just be there, and be, right in this moment, letting my brain turn at a low activity level, supported by the Thargoid noise within my head currently being, effectively, nonexistent, and easy to block out.
"It's nice seeing you like this, you know.", Seo said. "It's... a good difference to the Kira that would always brood in a corner somewhere."
I could only shrug at that. The word 'past', while I understood its meaning, had little context for me to refer it to in my brain, beyond a few vague, general memories telling me the last year, roughly, hadn't been very nice to me. Or maybe I just didn't feel like thinking about or reflecting on it enough to dig up those memories when I felt much more content now, because of what I looked like. It still wasn't perfect, at hand of the Thargoid situation, but I could at least tolerate it better in this current state of mind. And continuing to reject it was not going to help me in any way - it was very unlikely a miracle cure would be found to make my genes be human again. And I actually really didn't care that much about it, anyway. What made me 'Kira', or rather 'Kasumi', now, was... not at all tied to that, and still existed. If in a slightly roundabout way.
"When'd you get those shorts?", Seo inquired. "I don't remember you having them, even after you came back from your visit to the city."
"I ordered them remotely... maybe a day later.", I replied. "I thought, maybe I'd like something like that, to go to the knee. Or just over it."
"It does look good on you. And probably better than full body clothing in this heat."
"I just like them for the way they look. Maybe. Mostly, to wear in private." I looked down - these current shorts stopped short just above the knee, but I had some that went a little lower too. It was as simple as providing my measurements to the place that I wanted to buy them from, for the relevant body parts, after requesting a custom fit. Which, of course, cost extra.
"You know, you haven't said much about that visit, but it's been over a week, and I'm a little curious."
I shrugged. "You didn't ask. But it was nice. I ate something over there, bought some clothes, what was it... furniture, I think, for my ships. The ones I still want to use. Then I had some ice cream and a nice pancake full of chocolate." My voice went a little dreamy at mentioning that last part. And suddenly I felt hungry for pancake. Sadly, there weren't any here.
"Could've thought you had a sweet tooth. I do sometimes see the packages laying around here."
"I forget to throw them away sometimes. Or maybe not bothered to. I at least do it when it gets a little too much." I threw an innocent look in a random direction. For how perfectionistic I was about some things, throwing those empty packages away was something I was oddly bad about.
"You can't tell me no one looked at you.", Seo then said, changing the subject.
"Oh, they looked. So many of them did. One person even asked me where I did the surgery to get this big and that I looked very 'hot'. But I had to disappoint her. Then I helped her find somewhere if she wanted something like that herself."
"That sounds like you. The helping part, that is. Maybe not the one with you getting really social and liking to be looked at."
"It was... an exception. To see how people would react to... well, me being so big."
"I think you already knew they'd be staring. You're... rather unusual in that regard, even if your skin wasn't white."
"And I like it. To be this big." I leaned back onto the sofa more. "Maybe I knew they would stare."
"I thought so. Are you sure you just want to stay like that for the rest of your life, though? I mean, it might be a little much."
"It is, maybe.", I replied, shrugging once more. "Maybe I wouldn't have let it get so big and kept it more like... I was in that VR thing, if I'd had gravity to deal with as it happened, and I was getting larger. It would probably still have been nice, too. But now, it's just... I couldn't imagine myself being in any other way. So why should I change it?"
"I wasn't saying that you should, but it might not be so great once you get older."
"I don't know what to do with that. I don't even know how old I will get. And I... kind of, remember someone telling me it is better to just have fun when you can. Squeezing through a bus or into a shower is oddly fun. And giving someone a bump when they get needlessly annoyed."
"I guess they've got a point, and it does just matter that you're happy with it. Maybe it was one of your friends. And, you should tell me more about that... 'incident'."
She kind of had to know about that from the stuff in my head - it wasn't exactly one of those closely guarded secrets. "It was just some... idiot, getting annoyed that I took up so much space in the bus corridor, and struggled to get through it because I'm so wide. He told me to drive instead. I bumped into him when I got out, here, quite on purpose... and told him I don't."
Seo did look quite amused at that story. "He did have that coming."
I didn't further comment and instead, thought about that statement regarding friends. "I don't know, about my friends. I can't seem to find those memories. Maybe they got lost somewhere, when... you know. But maybe they're going to remember me and tell me, if I see them."
"I'm sure they will, Kira. And speaking of friends, I noticed you made a new one. Jana, was it?"
I nodded. "She's... nice. Kind of funny. Apparently we met in that weird VR thing, not that I remember it. Or, not enough to know it was... her, until we saw each other. And she really likes how big I am. Maybe a little too much, because she poked into it." I gestured at the left side of my lower half. Seo, meanwhile, raised an eyebrow.
"And you just let her?"
"I... didn't really. I told her no touching, but apparently, it was too hard not to. I decided to let her get away with it."
"Well, I do understand why she might've gotten curious about it, if she saw you before that change. Or even if she hadn't."
"She... did. When I was still on the rescue ship. And she gave me the VR device. Or gave it back, at least, when she visited. Also told me about some stuff I could do in there. Weird things."
"Uh huh. I can imagine."
"... maybe I don't want to talk about that." And if it was just because a blush of embarrassment had appeared, hinting at exactly what kind of 'weird stuff' I'd done in there. It seemed like Seo had some idea, anyway, and... she chose not to go into it further. I tried to cross my legs at the knees... but both their mass and the restricted upward movement of those oversized thighs made it so I wasn't really able to do that well, at least not if I wanted to remain comfortable. "I guess I can't do this either."
My tone was less desperate and more one of a... strange enjoyment, knowing that the problem was caused mostly by having something I enjoyed having so much. I stretched both legs out instead, and observed my feet for a moment, wiggling those funny toes in the socks.
"You really have gotten a lot better.", Seo remarked.
I nodded in response. "I know. It is... strange, looking back, at how I... couldn't really speak that much without getting a headache or 'stuck'... not even two months ago. I'm thinking about making another log, too. For myself, maybe. Alba said I should for people to read, but I'm not sure how many do."
"Maybe they do. Maybe they don't. I think it matters more that you like writing them, or want to."
"I... guess."
"Since you brought up writing things, are you not going to publish that letter you wrote?"
"I will... soon. I was still working on it a little. It seems... easier to work on it when it's all done, already."
"Okay. But are you sure it's a good idea to, when you don't know what's going to happen to those people yet?"
I shrugged. "I can always delete it. But... maybe I just want to get people to think about it, that they... someone can look, not like a human, but still 'think' human. Or... something, like that."
"And what does... your 'other half' think of this? You used to think keeping them in quarantine was not a terrible idea, to prevent any possible risks."
"Yes, but... not forever. And it is not an excuse to treat them as if they are not people. That just... wouldn't be right."
"I get that. And I hope your instincts are right." Seo paused for a moment, to let me say something, but... I had nothing, making her ask something else. "So... what are you going to do now, in the future?"
I scratched my head with the right hand. "I... don't know. Not sure I thought about this... too much."
"Don't you want to fly your ship again?"
I tilted the head thoughtfully. "... maybe. But will need to learn it again. Or try it in VR, to see if the memories come back. And still trying to learn how to run, first." I lifted my right leg to accompany that statement. "It is... not easy."
"I can't imagine it would be, not just because they're so big." Seo looked at my chest, indicatively.
"Yes. It's very bouncy, even with the right bra."
"Have you thought about leaving the planet again?"
"No. Not... yet. I like it here." News on the TV began to play, and they were of course about the Thargoid War, more specifically Aegis' plan for an anti-Titan weapon progressing. I switched channels almost immediately, until one with some kind of nature, or rather weather, documentary, came up. I decided to leave that one running, because it was also interesting enough to listen to in the background. "Why do you ask about these things? Is it because of the war?"
"Oh, no. I'm just curious where you're seeing yourself in... I don't know, a year or two, maybe even in five or ten."
"I don't know. Maybe I'm just letting things come, and see what I do with them. I'm not sure I really... plan for the future, like that. Maybe a little bit, but I can't say what I would do in a few years." I paused, and decided to make a bit of a joke. "Maybe I will play translator for the Thargoids."
"Pf. You're kidding, but that wouldn't actually surprise me."
I shrugged. "If I could still live here, or at least in the middle of humans, maybe I wouldn't mind. But, for now, I'm just... happy, to have fun with... this." I lazily lifted my right hand and gestured at my enhanced form. If I could have leaned back to sink into the sofa more, I certainly would have. "And I like talking to you. Here, it is... nice, too. Relaxed, not dead quiet, but not noisy either."
"I think the same. So, how are you getting along with your VR training?"
"It... works well. Mostly. I think I know more or less where the limits with this big body are, and I can fight... relatively well. Maybe a little differently. Slamming into someone with all your weight is quite fun. And I can't dodge as well, so I have to. But running... it doesn't work so well. Maybe I'm just too big to run properly, for long times, but I want to try. It... would be useful, if I could at least cover short distances quickly. Because I don't think this ..." I gestured at my big rear with my right hand. "... would slide very well."
"I'm sure you could figure out a way, but running would definitely also help with that, yeah."
"I know. That's... one reason why I'm trying." I briefly paused. "Maybe, I want to prove it to myself too, that I can. It... feels nice, when I do. Just don't ask me to climb things higher than my head. I'm very heavy, and my arms can only lift so much."
"Maybe you should make them bigger too.", Seo teasingly suggested. Something that I scoffed at and gave her a funny look for.
"No. I like them how they are already."
"I'm just screwing with you, Kira. I know you like them as they are."
"And I could tell it was a joke."
A certain silence settled in between us, the only sounds in that moment coming from the low-volume TV, until Seo, somewhat hesitantly, spoke up again.
"So, Kira.. you... used to have certain feelings for me, before you left. Do you still now?"
"It ..." I paused, lengthily. The statement definitely did make my heart beat a bit faster, and created that strange, funny feeling in the chest. "... maybe, but I... think, I prefer to leave it as friends. It seems... simpler."
"Okay. That's what you told me before, too. I just wanted to be sure it hadn't changed."
I definitely did still feel a strong reluctance about... such a relationship. A lot of it seemed to be coming from 'Kira' inside me, rather than the brain, and when I couldn't find the memory of why, she told me it was because of Seo's own past relationships. Yet there seemed to be something else, that I... felt, but couldn't know about. Then I got distracted by a pinch in my belly, which also grumbled, prompting me to feel it with a hand.
"I'm hungry. Going to make some food.", I announced to Seo. "Do you want some too?"
"Maybe. Depends on what you're making."
I looked at the clock. 12 AM for this planet... which was practically still morning for it, but I'd been awake for a few hours already. And the Earth clock said it was in the afternoon, so I based my decision off of that.
"Just some noodles, with chicken, covered in that crunchy stuff. I don't know what it's called again."
"An escalope.", she told me.
"What a... weird name.", I remarked. "Do you want one too?"
"I guess, why not."
I needed nothing else to be said, and set myself to preparing everything, beginning with the pot and its water, followed by the pan and oil. Once the water boiled, I threw in the pasta, which were a funny, tubular-looking kind about half as long as my middle finger, at least when uncooked. And I put three of the chicken escalopes into the pan.
"Do you always eat that much?", Seo inquired, looking a little surprised at the amount of food.
"Maybe.", I replied, not really having kept track. "The implant... takes a lot of energy. But since I got so big, I seem to eat a lot more too. There is... not always leftovers. Only sometimes."
"I see."
I set myself to preparing the rest of the necessary 'equipment' for the food stuffing experience. First I pulled the cream and grated cheese out of the fridge, then the fruit juice, followed by plates, glasses and cutlery. I skipped on seasoning because I thought the stuff was perfectly fine without it, then just focused on making sure the escalopes were nice and crispy, without being charred. As usual... once it was done, and I started eating, most of my focus was dedicated to it and less so talking. My belly began to protest halfway through the second portion, at which point Seo was just observing me continue to stuff myself, until there was nothing left worth picking off the plate. And I leaned back, yet again right on the edge of being overfilled, maybe slightly on the other side of it. But I liked it when my belly was full and I could just be lazy to let it digest all of that stuff.
"It was... good.", Seo told me. "You like your things crunchy, don't you?"
"Yes.", I replied, stretching generously, then ran my hands over that distended, stuffed belly, which still groaned in its attempts to protest against all that food stretching it. "I think I am going to be lazy a bit longer."
"After subjecting yourself to all that food, I'm not surprised. At least you're not planning to go anywhere."
"I was maybe going to clean up a bit. But... later, I think. Or tomorrow." Mostly, I was just going to run a hoover around the apartment, which was small and didn't need much maintenance. Just as I liked it.
"And, speaking of cleaning ..." Seo stood up while saying that. "Let me take care of all this. You already made the food, and after putting most of it into yourself, you probably don't want to move."
In a way, she was right. I still got up and put the stuff that needed to go into the fridge in there, then tried to lie on the sofa. That was a little easier said than done, because its 'depth' was still made for a standard human, and no matter which was I tried to arrange myself, some of my hip spilled off the side, or I'd have to lie sideway, which was... equally uncomfortable due to my 'chest mass' and the gap underneath the waist that was a lot harder to cover for, in that position. So... instead, I resorted to pulling one of the single-seaters closer and putting my feet on that instead, made even more lazy and comfy by the food inside my belly. Seo was beside me again some ten minutes later.
"So... what were you going to do once you leave Duamta again?", she asked me, seeming curious.
"I think... I will start with those things you wanted me to look into, maybe. Or I will help evacuate some people from the Thargoids... I don't know. There are... other things, I want to look into, too."
"Like ...?"
I shook my head. "Things that have to do with Azimuth. But I don't want to talk about it now. Or anything to do with the war. It is out there... and today, it can stay out there. I just want to be lazy and relax."
'On my big soft body cushions', I added in my thoughts, because it was practically impossible to not have some part of my mind dedicated to that inappropriateness which had found its way onto my hips and chest, at such an excessively big size. And I still loved it... probably would for pretty much all of the foreseeable future, too.
"Yeah... I understand.", Seo replied. "Though, I do want to ask, don't you have issues fitting anywhere on your ship? Some of those passages can be quite narrow."
"I... have avoided the maintenance hatches.", I replied, shrugging a little. "And I tried to squeeze myself into a vehicle. But my... uh, back... is too big. I just couldn't squeeze it through there because it is too fat. So I asked for the hatch to be made wider, and for a new seat to drive. I had to replace the pilot's seat in the ship, too."
Seo looked quite amused at those stories. "I think I'd pay to see you squeeze into one of those narrow maintenance tunnels."
I replied to that remark by tilting my head to the right while making my mouth flat and widening the eyes slightly. I didn't approve of that thought much.
"I'm kidding, Kira. But you have to admit it would be something to see for anyone watching."
I just shook my head and facepalmed. "I am not going into one. Not unless I really need to. Or maybe I would just send a remote-controlled android body into it, so I don't get stuck. It would be very stupid to have to call for help because of that... but I don't want to have to get the entire interior of the ship redone for that, and I still need to fit through the corridors." A thought suddenly occurred to me. "Damn it, I forgot to ask for a big sleeping bag when I was in the city."
"Don't worry about it. You've still got time to get one. Or a few, unless you want to drag it around between each ship."
I shook my head. "Definitely not. I will have one for each." I paused briefly. "I think... when I do leave, I will visit a few places. Stations, or maybe planets I have been to, in the Bubble. Maybe I will find people I've met in the past, there."
"That sounds like a good idea. Do you know when, yet?"
"I... don't know, no. Maybe at the end of the month, but it's nice here, too. So I'll stay a bit more. And maybe I like how this feels in gravity." Another gesture that encompassed my body was made.
Most of the rest of that day was spent just sitting on that big sofa, watching various things on the TV with Seo, usually caring to avoid the news when they inevitably got to the war situation, not only because of the anti-Titan weapon, but also the fact that things were worsening on the front. It seemed almost as if the Thargoids were directly responding to those recent developments on... our, side, but I didn't really want to think of or talk on it, to keep the mood intact. Eventually... I'd managed to quietly fall asleep, and Seo took that as a sign to leave without waking me up, gently removing the hand that had found its way to her own before standing up. And the glyph on it still glowed in a happy, warm green color, even while I was asleep.