Negotiating the Negotiation: A Space Diplomat's Dilemma
09 Nov 2023Groovy Groydis
In the vast absurdity of the cosmos, where hyperspace travel is as common as a misfiled TPS report, Commander Grouchybhaal, the squad leader from Baal, found himself on a diplomatic mission that could only have been concocted in a galaxy run by committees. His assignment was to negotiate the terms of negotiation for the terms of negotiation... for a negotiation, a task so redundantly complicated that it could make a quantum computer's circuits tangle in sympathy.
Grouchy's counterpart was an envoy from Carthage, a man with a German accent so thick that it had its own gravitational pull. Their dialogue began in the sterile, echo-filled chambers that passed for a negotiation room in the Carthage system.
"Good day," Grouchybhaal began, his voice as gruff as his beard was long. "I'm here to discuss the preliminary terms for our upcoming negotiations."
"Ah, und what terms would you like to negotiate?" the envoy responded, his question floating in the air like a lost spaceship.
Grouchy frowned, feeling the first stirrings of a headache. "Well, that's what we're here to determine."
"But how can we determine the terms if we have not yet negotiated what terms are up for negotiation?" the envoy asked, tilting his head.
Grouchy's frown deepened, a shadow passing over his bald head. "That's... precisely what we're doing now."
"Und when will we negotiate the actual negotiation if we are still negotiating the terms for the pre-negotiation?"
Commander Grouchybhaal pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, let's keep this simple. We need to set some ground rules for the main negotiation."
"Ah, so you wish to negotiate the rules for the negotiation of the terms of the negotiation?"
The Commander's eye twitched. "Yes, exactly. So, can we agree on a date for this?"
"A date," the envoy pondered, "but should we not first negotiate when to negotiate the date for the negotiation of the terms?"
It was at this point that Grouchy, whose patience was wearing thinner than the atmosphere of a barren planet, let loose a stream of insults that, had they been understood, would have set intergalactic diplomacy back several light-years.
"Your circular reasoning is more maddening than a Thargoid maze!" he blurted out.
The envoy, unfazed, simply nodded. "Ah, a maze is indeed complex. So, you agree complexity is essential for negotiations?"
Grouchy could only stare, his grumpy exterior cracking just enough to let out a sigh that sounded like the whoosh of an airlock. "Yes, sure, complexity, mazes, the whole lot. Let's just say we'll continue this later."
"Excellent," the envoy smiled. "We have made progress! We will schedule another meeting to finalize the date to discuss the terms of negotiating the terms."
And with that, Commander Grouchybhaal left the chamber, the echo of his own muttered curses a fitting soundtrack to the cosmic comedy in which he'd unwittingly become the star.