Rachael
30 Apr 2023Vasil Vasilescu
Colonia is not so bad. Definitely less chaotic than the bubble. I intended on staying only long enough to complete repairs on the Always Lost but ended up slumming around for a few more months. Fuel ratting, search & rescue, and mineral surveys keep me busy. However, the desire to go back into the deep void calls to me like a lover in the dark.I’ve always felt more comfortable beyond the reach of occupied space. Alone, in the endless depths of space you can go where you want, when you want. No one depends on you for survival, and you depend only on yourself. I’ve spent most of the last twenty years roaming uncharted space, ever since Rachael left.
It’s odd how the mind recalls little details in moments like that. Things like the grid of docking bay lights reflected in her eyes, or those few strands of hair that somehow worked their way loose from her usually tight bun. What I remember most, though, is the barely controlled quaver in her voice as she fought back tears and told me, “One day, you are going to die in the black, alone, and you have no idea how much it hurts knowing you prefer it that way. That’s why I have to go.”
I should have told her I never meant to hurt her, that of all the wonders in the void, none compared to her. I could have told her that in all my travels, she was the only discovery that I cared about, the only one that truly mattered to me. Instead, I found myself unable to say anything, only nod in agreement.
She closed her eyes, turned and walked away. That was the last I ever saw of her. There are times I wonder how different the present might be had she stayed, but I do not let the thoughts linger. It is easy to tear yourself up and become bitter by living a life based on what-ifs. I hope she finally found in someone else that which she could not find in me. She deserves to be happy.
She was right, though. Deep space is my home. If I am lucky, I’ll die at home, with the last thing I see being something more beautiful than anyone has ever imagined. Maybe a thousand years later someone will find the Always Lost drifting in orbit around a vibrant green planet and wonder why the corpse in the pilot’s chair looks so content. They’ll never know how the green remined me of her eyes.