The root of your anxiety
19 Oct 2015Desert Fox CXVII
Commander, incoming call from Dr. Atticus Wells.Christ, not him... What the hell does he want?
I have absolutely no idea, Commander. Perhaps you should find out?
[There is a long sigh punctuated by a groan]
Fine fine, connect him. Let's get this over with.
At once, Commander.
[There is a metallic ping and the slight crackle of static]
Cassius, it's been a while. How are you?
Dr. Wells. It's been too long. How are the kids?
Oh, they're grand. Growing like weeds and giving Lycinia hell, the poor dear.
How is she? I haven't spoken to her in a while.
Oh she's nearing the end of her contract. Going home soon, bless her. We'll miss her, but there's not much we can do about it; she's fulfilled her obligations, so we have to let her go. You know, I think you'd like her. Strong woman, knows what she wants, and she needs a good man to help get her back on her feet. I can set something up, if you like.
Um... no. No, thank you doctor. I appreciate the offer, but no. I don't think that... Well, you know how it is.
Ah, that's a shame.
Right... well, doctor, is there something in particular I can help you with? It's not really the best...
Oh right! Well, I've been going over the last log you sent. It's very good, but it doesn't have anything I don't already know.
Right... my dossier...
And I've noticed that you haven't been keeping up with your schedule, so I thought we could have a little informal session. Just you and me. How's that sound?
Well I don't have much of a choice do I?
[Laughter] Well of course you do. All of us here in the psychiatric division are just concerned for your well being, and we'd like to make sure you're alright.
Fine fine, alright doc. What would you like to know?
Well I thought we'd start with the basics; How have you been getting along since we last talked? If I recall, you'd been having some trouble adjusting to your new responsibilities; said you'd been feeling lost.
Hmm... yeah I suppose I did say that. Well there's not much to say... The position was kind of dropped on me; I expected a lot more training and guidance, but all of a sudden, I was head of PR and Corrigendum was being re-assigned by high command. He's some big shot anti-insurgency specialist, and he was in the Legion to win "hearts and minds." That's an ancient Earth term for getting civilians in regions at war to side with you. It worked, we received a lot of public support and fresh recruits because of him.
Cassius, we're not here to talk about Commander Corrigendum, we're here to talk about you.
Right. Sorry. Well, he left and handed off the responsibility to me. It's an honor, no doubt about that; he barely knew me, and trusted me enough to keep the Legion's PR machine running. Or maybe he was desperate to get out and shove the reins to the first person to ask for them. I'll never know... he's off somewhere working for Patreus now; Christ knows the senator needs it. You've heard about the human rights abuses he commits. If there's one thing Patreus needs, it's an effective PR campaign.
Cassius...
Right, sorry. Well, I dunno, it's just a lot to take in you know? I'm basically the face of the Legion. Maybe that's not the right wording... Imperius is the face now. No, I'm more like the mouth of the Legion, telling the public about our exploits, what we stand for, how we do it. That kind of thing. It's not easy. That's not to say I'm not enjoying my new position, but like I said, it's a lot to process.
I can understand that. It wasn't too long ago that I became head of Imperial psychiatrics. You're experiencing something that almost everyone with power and responsibility experiences. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling now. It's a natural reaction; you'll grow into your new position, and look back on this time and realize that you never had anything to worry about.
I guess you're right. I remember when I became a pilot in the navy; I was so nervous about fucking something up, letting my wingman down, you know? But after a couple months, I was just as cocky as the next pilot. And then the same thing after I graduated Pilot's Fed training; to be fair, I was stuck out in Federal space with barely any money to my name, and no idea what to do with my life. I haven't forgotten that, by the way, and I'm still pretty pissed about it.
But you succeeded didn't you? You made enough money to get yourself back to Imperial space and became an extremely successful bounty hunter and mercenary. That should fill you with confidence. There's no reason for you to feel like you wont succeed at your new job; all the evidence points towards you becoming an excellent PR representative for the Legion. In fact, you already are, but you just don't see it. I've watched all your speeches; you are impassioned, energetic, and charismatic. You just need more confidence in your abilities. Once you get over your fear of inadequacy, there's nothing in the galaxy you wont be able to accomplish.
I don't have a fear of inadequacy.
Of course not, you're absolutely right. My mistake. But my point is that you have it in you, everything that you have attempted in your life has succeeded, and there's no logical reason for that to change now. You just need to keep at it. Your patron didn't become Emperor over night, and you wont be a perfect PR officer right off the bat. Practice makes perfect, after all. In a few years, you'll be just as good, if not better, than Corrigendum, and the people will love you for it.
Hmm... yeah, I suppose you may have a point.
Good. I'm glad we're making progress. Now, I'd like to ask you about your anxiety. In our last conv...
Not this again, doc. I told you I was fine. I can manage it.
I understand that, I'm not trying to push you. If you want to talk about something else, we can.
Like what?
Oh I don't know. Sports? You're from Azrael right? The All Reds have been doing very well this season haven't they? As I recall, they're playing the Steel Backs next. It's an exciting time to be a Red Head.
Very funny, Doc. Fine, we can talk about the anxiety.
Great. Well, we didn't talk at length about it last time we spoke, and I'd just like to ask a few question about it, so I can get a better understanding of how it's affecting you. Is that alright?
Yeah sure, ask away. It's not like I have a war to fight.
Cassius...
Sorry, doc. Ask your questions.
Well I thought I'd start by asking what sets off the attacks. What kinds of situations give you anxiety, and why you think they do.
Hmm... Well... I dunno... It's mostly dumb shit; I never get anxiety before I engage a bounty or drop into a battle. I get the attacks for really simple things. Like for example, whenever I hit the afterburner on my vulture, the whole ship starts creaking like it's going to fall apart. I KNOW there's nothing wrong, I KNOW its just the frame being compressed by the extra force from the engines, but it still freaks me out.
Do you have any idea why this sparks an attack?
Not a clue, doc, and it's really starting to get annoying.
Well, oftentimes anxiety is a projection; it happens a lot in people with successful lives, or people who are very good at what they do. They succeed in their tasks, but they don't believe that things could be going so well. So they project that fear onto things they can't control, or things that they consciously know are perfectly fine. To use your example, many things are going well in your life, you're wealthy, an officer in a well known organisation, an excellent pilot. I think, unconsciously, you believe that with all the success you've been enjoying, that something is bound to go wrong, so you fixate on things like the creaking ship, or the relationships you refuse to have. Your mind twists them out of proportion, turns them into some great monster. If something were to go wrong, you wouldn't be able to do anything about it, you wouldn't be able to fix it in time for it to either kill you or ruin your life.
An enemy on your tail, you can outmaneuver, but you can't fix a structural instability without a docking bay and a team of mechanics. You can outsmart a particularly tricky bounty, but you can't maintain a relationship because of your job, at least in your mind.
Cassius, I think you fear the unknown and the uncontrollable, which is a completely valid fear. Every sane person fears these things, but you have come to rely on your skill and expertise to overcome every obstacle that you are presented with, and the prospect of not being able to do so frightens you even more. You need to accept that some things are out of your control; that may seem a bit grim, but it can be a very freeing feeling once you do. They're worth worrying about, but not worth obsessing over. Over-analyzing and obsessing over what could go wrong keep you from thinking about what could go right.
Just something to think about.
[There is a long silence]
Well, Cassius, it looks like we're out of time. You should come in sometime, we'll be able to have a better conversation. If not, we can always do this again.
Yeah, sure doc. I'll uh... I'll call you.
Wonderful. I hope to see you soon.