Into the void [Zara]
30 Jul 2024Haraldsen
In the vast expanse of the cosmos, a black Diamondback Scout glided silently through the void. At its helm was Zara, a cyborg with an artificial body but human consciousness, her mind a chaotic web of human memories and artificial intelligence. She steered the ship not with her hands, but with her thoughts, transmitted seamlessly to the ship’s systems. An experience that was absolutely new to her.Zara’s initial attempts were fraught with trial and error. Retracting the landing gear felt more difficult than physically pushing it upwards: one stray thought, one split second of losing focus, and it slammed back down, as if she tried to lift it with her own hands. Not to mention steering - even keeping a straight course required an amount of concentration she never ever applied to anything before, it felt like balancing on a thin line over a pitfall. The first time she tried to accelerate to jump speed the ship lurched violently, sending her sprawling against the control panel, and she screamed with a mix of horror and frustration. Each mistake felt like a personal failure, a reminder of her new, unfamiliar existence.
Yet, with each error, she learned. Slowly, she began to understand the delicate balance required to maneuver the ship. The horror of her initial failures gradually gave way to a sense of accomplishment. The first time she executed a perfect turn, a thrill of triumph surged through her. She was mastering the ship, and in doing so, reclaiming a part of herself.
But the journey was far from smooth. There were moments when the ship’s systems would glitch, responding sluggishly or not at all. Each malfunction brought a fresh wave of dread. From time to time, her own mind became her worst enemy. Even if artificial, even if almost perfectly engineered, deep programming and scrupulous analysis clashed with the irrational, chaotic and unstoppable noise of thoughts which roiled in the background, ready to invade, to overpower her. A small mistake, a brief moment of confusion, a fleeting unresponded question was enough to let the chaos loose, to send her mind spiraling down into the abyss.
Every single attempt, every little cautious glance cast into that chaos, every small effort to apply her immaculate, machine logic to answer questions of human nature, brought only darkness and despair. Every logical chain eventually led to and highlighted her new machine nature and way of existence, telling her she was not human anymore. And the human nature of her, the stubborn human part of her mind, resisted relentlessly. It wasn't her choice. It wasn't her will. It wasn't her fate. She had not wanted this. And yet she had no other option, no chance of undoing what had happened to her. And apparently never would have.
Despite this, Zara pressed on, driven by a determination to conquer the challenges she met. In the end, the mixed feelings of horror and accomplishment became a part of her journey. They were the markers of her progress, the signposts of her resilience. And as the black Diamondback Scout continued its silent voyage through the stars, Zara knew that she was not just steering a ship, but navigating the uncharted territories of her own existence.
Hour by hour, day by day, she grew more and more confident in piloting and operating the systems, and the ship started to feel familiar, tame, even glad, as a machine could be, to have that connection. What was immensely difficult just a few days ago, she could perform effortlessly now. Finally, she won herself some time to distract from learning and to relax, while continuing her journey through the stars.
Drifting. Silently. Watching the stars. Contemplating the nature of life, of being. Of her new existence. Today was one of those moments that found her traveling through space while being lost in thoughts.
Was she still the same person she once was, or had she become something entirely different? The memories of her past life felt like a distant dream now, yet they were undeniably a part of her. Would she be able to continue that thread of memories of personal experience and narrative, of life, seamlessly, or did what happened to her divide her life into 'before' and 'after'? Could she remain the same person she was, and... What even made a human being a 'person', constituted a personality? Which parts should she preserve to stay the same? Or, could she even grow, evolve that personality further, having it uploaded into her new, artificial, constructed memory?
As she floated through the vast and silent expanse of space, a gnawing sense of dread began to take hold. The stars, once a source of wonder, now seemed like cold, indifferent eyes watching her every move. The infinite darkness around her felt suffocating, pressing in on her from all sides. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she was utterly alone, a solitary speck in an uncaring universe.
Her thoughts spiraled into panic. What if she was destined to wander the stars forever, a lone navigator in an endless sea of darkness? The idea of an eternal journey with no end in sight filled her with a profound sense of despair. She questioned the very purpose of her existence. Was there a destination that would bring meaning to her journey, or was she doomed to drift aimlessly, forever searching for something she could never find?
The memories of her past life, once a comforting reminder of who she was, now felt like a cruel joke. They were fragments of a life that no longer existed, taunting her with glimpses of a reality she could never return to. Mocking her, telling her again and again that, even if she had been granted a new life, that she survived and practically became a better version of herself, everything that had been so dear to her was lost now. And that this new life of hers would be deafeningly bland: tasteless, digitized and structured. Devoid of those brief, passing, warm and truly human moments that made life worth living. And those moments she still remembered were doomed to be processed and dissected by her new machine mind the same way she processed new memories from now on. The more she tried to hold onto them, the more they slipped away, like sand through her fingers.
In the depths of her panic, Zara felt a crushing weight on her chest. The realization that she might never find answers, that she might be lost in this vast cosmos forever, was almost too much to bear. She longed for a sense of purpose, a reason to keep going, but all she found was an overwhelming void.
The ship’s sensors alerted her to an approaching celestial body, and with a mere thought, she adjusted the course, avoiding potential danger, her hands resting in her lap, motionless, as she interfaced with the ship solely with her thoughts. The ease with which she controlled the ship was both a marvel and a reminder of her transformation, and while learning, harnessing it, alone in the endless void of space, she silently mourned the loss of her humanity, the simple, tactile interactions that once defined her existence. The sensation of physically steering a ship, feeling the vibrations through her fingertips, was now a distant memory. She was no longer human, and while her new abilities were extraordinary, they also highlighted the profound changes she had undergone and the price she had to pay. While exploring and learning her new cybernetic powers felt like a fascinating adventure that no human could ever have imagined, every next step took her further and further away from what she had lost. Tiny moments of life she hadn't even thought she'd be so longing for.
With every next step, she admitted, more and more, that she had to learn living once again. Not only controlling the ship and electronics, and any other new ways to interact with the world which were open to her now. But walking the path she never heard of. Saving what's dear to her before it's absolutely gone, lost in time, and making it stay with her, in her new life, no matter how shockingly different it might be.
Zara’s reflection was interrupted by a message from the ship’s communication system. A distant ship was in need of assistance, and her ship was the closest vessel. Without hesitation, she set a new course, her thoughts focused on the mission ahead. As the stars streaked past, Zara realized that her journey was not just about exploring the universe, but also about discovering herself. She was a bridge between the human and the artificial, a testament to the possibilities of both. And in that realization, she found a new sense of purpose.
The black Diamondback Scout continued its voyage in the void, guided by the thoughts of a cyborg who, with her doubts, was more human than she ever imagined.
This log was written with the kind co-operation of Meowers