A shattered mind... a broken heart.
04 Jan 2024Jana Razeki
Personal log, Jana RazekiDecember 18, 3309
Visibility - Public
Audio recording - text transcript available
So... I saw Kira yesterday, and... shit, I don't know. What to say, or... think.
I'm glad she's still alive and conscious, but what I saw... it just wasn't right. Like...
It didn't feel like she was herself. Couldn't even remember her own name, apparently, and insisted on being called by her alias, Kasumi. Like... like that's what her brain held on to. But how much of Kasumi's identity is Kira's?
*sighs*
I hated every second of... seeing her like that. Reduced to such a poor state, all for... nothing. The Thargoids achieved literally nothing by using... abusing her like that. As if what Azimuth did to her that caused her to ultimately be turned into a... hybrid... thing, being... whatever, was not enough shit to go through already. And now this.
*pulls nose up, voice becomes unsteady*
I don't know how to... my feelings about this are... all over the place. This world is such a fucked up place, and it only keeps screwing her over at every turn. I wanted to help her more, but I couldn't stay long. And they - the medical staff responsible for her - said I couldn't do much more than... give her that box. But will she even be able to use it? Her mind... it was more like a child than an adult. She struggled to speak properly, or make anything more than very simplistic sentences. No... no, don't start crying. Fuck!
Recording pauses for several minutes. Voice remains uncomposed when it resumes.
Okay... okay. *pulls nose up again* Shit. I... I really need to get a handle on myself. I barely even know her, but I care like she's my closest friend. But... why would that be wrong? I like...
*short, distinct pause*
... you know what, fuck that... thought. You... don't need to know. Whoever is listening to this. *breathes* Watching her go so crazy over that box was kind of adorable. Like nothing else existed in her world during that moment, while she opened the wrapping it was in. Bit like a birthday gift, or early Christmas... I'm told her birthday was just fifteen days before I saw her. But I'm not sure if she'd have been able to... appreciate it. Couldn't even hug her if I wanted to - some safety thing to avoid possible contagion spreading. I don't think she likes physical contact like that anyway.
*longer pause, pacing around the room can be heard, and a deep breath*
Okay... better. A little. I still feel like shit, as you might guess from... whatever title I've ended up giving this. And mad. At those idiots from Azimuth, at the Thargoids... even if we would never have met like we did without both of them fucking her up. What a shitty irony, huh?
*sighs once more*
Speaking of Thargoids... I've, well, gotten absolutely fucking nowhere since my previous log. Helped fend off one invasion around Titan Cocijo this week, then... saw her. Kira... or I guess Kasumi, now. But seeing that, what she's now, and still, forced to endure... I'm just more convinced to keep them away from people. Humans, in this case, I suppose... but there's no other species in the room besides us and them.
Her freeing herself of their control... didn't even let her get rid of their 'voices' or 'noise', as I've heard it called. Not that I can imagine anything like it, but it's got to be a hella shitty and fucked up thing to have an alien hive mind's voices in your head all the time, with a brain that never developed anything to handle or interpret such a thing.
Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked on that fuckery again... yes, it's not a real word, don't care. As I was going to say, I've still not done anything to really get my hands on better anti-Thargoid stuff. Mostly, Guardian weapons, because nearly everything Guardian just gets melted by Glaives immediately and it's not fun when your shieldless ship is not only weaponless, but also without those module reinforcements supposed to keep everything from getting absolutely wrecked when Basilisks(or worse) look at you the wrong way. But also the engineer nonsense.
So... yeah, I think I should probably stop putting off that excursion out to the Guardian sites for those blueprints. Whyever they want you to go out there and... do whatever it is you do instead of simply letting you buy the crap. It's not like reactivating an ancient site by driving an SRV around it and shooting its defenses, plus those pylons to get the whole machine to 'wake up', proves anything about your ability to use the weapons on a ship properly against the Thargoids. And they clearly wouldn't need those blueprints copied a millionth time over to mass produce the hybrid weaponry. But that might be a nice distraction from... other more important matters.
All of it is... maybe I really just don't want to think about the shit that Kira is going through. Or why I care about her so much. Hell, I can't even decide whether it's weird to call her by an alternate name when I know her real one... whatever. A matter for later, maybe. I'll probably visit her again at... some point, when she's back on Duamta. And hopefully, she'll be off better by then.
Now... engineers. I briefly alluded to some 'quandaries', as it is called, in my last log. Or maybe not so briefly. Point is... I'm a bit conflicted. And, I guess, I should elaborate on that a little.
So... why's it provide me with so many issues? Simply put, I like neither the Empire, nor the Federation, and especially not Sirius, or corpos in general. But there's a slight problem that to fit those Guardian weapons properly, I need to get the power plant of some ships engineered for better output, or in case of the Krait, improve the thermal performance so I don't light up like a Christmas tree to any Thargoid within the solar system when I pull the trigger. Especially looking at some of the modified ones - but I'll get to that.
You probably know it already - Hera Tani - who does the power plant upgrades to their highest grade - is Empire, and I hate the Empire. There's a long story behind that, and most of my childhood up to... late adolescence, I'd guess. A lot of real shitty stuff, too much to go into in a log, and I'm not quite sure I want to talk of it to random strangers anyway. Not to mention it's things I've been trying to leave behind myself for... a very good reason.
So my alternative would be that idi... I mean, that guy Qwent. Except he's got ties to Sirius. And for some other reasons involving some really shitty experiences I made with the Federation, thanks to their corporate bullshit model, I'm really not a big fan of big corporations. But he asks you to get nice and cozy with Sirius Corp so they give you a permit to Sirius - system - and invite you to his damned base. You can imagine I don't really want to do that.
Nor do I feel like shilling for Farseer. Sure, I got nothing against the old woman herself, but I do with that Fed allegiance. And she only offers one low grade modification for ship reactors, while demanding you hand her a meta-alloy. Either get ripped off by those donkeys in Deciat trying to sell those alloys for ludicrously high prices, or steal one from the Thargoids. And knowing how that stealing of resources eventually dragged us into this war, it's not an option... not that I'd do it anyway, because Feds are a no go territory for me. And what am I going to do with a grade one improvement to a reactor?
Yeah, so, that's that. And the point on corpos leads me back to that whole deal with the modified Guardian guns. Not so much the Gauss cannon, which pretty much every anti-xeno pilot ever agrees on is shit, but the shard cannons. And maybe plasma chargers. Both of which are simpler to use and just as effective against anything that isn't a Hydra. And by myself, I'm definitely not taking on a Hydra... even a Basilisk gives me more trouble than it's usually worth, unless I have a good amount of backup from other Commanders or local defense forces. So the shard cannons would probably serve my needs well enough.
I digress again... I do that a lot. It's more about the fact that I'd need to support Azimuth to get a permit for their one location where they sell those fancy guns. Sell is relative, given what they actually ask for, but you get the idea. "Improve your anti-xeno defense capabilities by supporting the galaxy's worst, most genocidal and megalomaniac company!"
... yeah, my life would be a lot easier without so many moral things to care about. But that's what makes me... well, me. I really do need to ask someone else for their advice. In the absence of anywhere else to turn, I might look at that 'Anti-Club Accord'... or whatever they call themselves. I don't know much about some shadowy organization trying to rule us all - for the better, maybe - but I'm sure I could get along with some of the people there for their... let's call it, tendency to let independent organizations rule systems, rather than superpower-affiliated ones. Got no issue with the Alliance - and as such, their engineers - but you know how it goes for the other two.
Maybe someone there can make me feel better about the decision, whichever way it ends up going. I feel like I might get along with the people there if they're as interested in stopping the furthering of the Empire and Federation's interests as much as they say, anyway.
Is this log getting too long? Ah, I don't know. Maybe. But I've had a lot to think about the last few weeks, and it's all pouring out now. Heard someone call it "mind vomit" once, and I have to admit, it's both funny and fitting.
What else was there... ah, yeah. My own rules for Thargoid engagement... and maybe more things relating to those stupid engineers. I'll start with the latter. Why?
Because it's so, damn, fucking annoying. I swear, whoever came up with them as a concept... needs to be sent back to the drawing board themselves. Not only do they have all those weird demands that I don't understand - like, what does an engineer specialized in armor reinforcement have to do with mining... however many tons it was again, or Palin who specializes in thrusters with flying a few thousand light years out of the Bubble? - but also those ridiculous "materials".
I mean, seriously... I don't even need to go into the details to show you how dumb of a concept, or idea, that is. Whose genius mind decided that instead of operating on the same economic framework that literally the entire human society is built on, those "engineers" refuse to accept currency - except for bribing them into giving you access to their services - and demand all kinds of scrap from wrecked ships, scan data and... whatever else it is again. Raw materials maybe, but literally none of it is asked for in quantities that it makes sense, in being used for the asked upgrade. Why can't you just accept credits?!
And don't get me started on how, apparently, nobody will give you those materials for credits either. You have to go scrounging the stuff up yourself or hope some faction head is feeling good enough on a particular day to offer it as a mission reward. And then it's still in quantities low enough to barely matter, be that for those upgrades or to trade it in for stuff of that same category... which, of course, are all self-contained, and the trade rates are absolutely awful. God, do I hate monopolies.
... yeah, this log is definitely getting too long.
Anyway, now that I have that out of my blood - though I could still ramble about it a lot more - as I was gonna say something about Thargoid engagement rules... well, here it is.
Of course, I... maybe... already established I'm only fighting them in the Bubble. Which I'm sure is fine and all. I don't like to kill - I would really question my sanity if I did... or belong into a padded cell - but they're not really giving us much of a choice. Still, within that, I'm not sure how much I like the idea of actively pushing back against them in space that they hold... places that they're trying to invade or are planning an invasion for? Not much of a question. But I don't really feel too comfy going to, say, one of those fancy spire sites and screwing with it.
Kind of a problem when I want my home back, and it's... well, it's within ten light years to Titan Oya, so that's... well, a slight issue. Maybe there's one day going to be some solution to the problem that won't risk them attempting to re-invade it if it is taken back, but I'm probably not going to be a part of it. Considering why the Titans are here, trying to shoot them to pieces feels... wrong, somehow. Hell, for a full-fledged Thargoid invasion force, they've been oddly restrained about going anywhere besides the edges of the Bubble.
Maybe that's something Kira's gonna be good for. As in, I think she wouldn't mind getting some kind of peace agreement going with the Thargoids, but my intuition could be wrong. Seo... well, I don't know her, and I doubt most people do. Still going to need to think, about where to fight back within the Bubble more.
Anyway, speaking of her and more things Thargoid... I guess I should come to a decision about those enhanced Guardian weapons soon, and work on some more engineers that I can without needing to sell out to Sirius. And if I do, I'll probably just throw some useless cartographic data on already well-documented worlds at them. Why anyone accepts to pay for it or gives it any value in regards to faction support, I'll never understand. But they say that loop holes exist to be exploited, and if I can use this one without actually furthering corporate interests of Sirius or Azimuth... well, no need to ask me twice.
I have a feeling I might need both of those upgrades soon - war feels like it's heading to another point, and probably not in our favor. But if the Thargoids give me the option to stop shooting back at them to defend our territory, I might have to consider it. Probably won't be for a while, though.
... and before I forget about it, I might want to ask that AXDF pilot who led the recovery operation - Ina - about her ship and how it's set up. A Fer-de-Lance looks like an interesting choice for fighting Thargoids, but maybe it could work for me. Already have a configuration to ask her about in mind, and see if it is good. While I have other ideas, they're more standard, and I don't feel much of a need to ask for advice on them.
Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. Jana, signing off.
End of recording.
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Addendum: Written note
I'm still working on getting my page set up on this... what did they call it again? Pilot's Network? Whatever. I'm trying to get it to be up to date but somewhere, it's either fetching outdated info, or I lost some of the data. I guess I'll just keep trying until it works. Or doesn't*.
*My in-character way of saying/excusing that this is an alt of mine in Elite which will have a relatively limited range of activities. Matters are/were helped by Frontier's game code deciding to give me engineer access to a few of them, without having to do anything besides get the referral requirements done.