Talon Order Teach K.I.N.D.E.R.S. Corp a Lesson in Galactic Diplomacy: Beat Them Out of Systems
13 Feb 2024Dick "Crook" Tatty
In a bizarre and unprecedented turn of events within the cosmos, the German squadron K.I.N.D.E.R.S. Corp found themselves embroiled in a clash of titanic proportions with the formidable Turkish Talon Order. What began as an attempt by the Germans to expand their influence within Turkish systems quickly devolved into a chaotic spectacle that saw the invaders fleeing with metaphorical tails between their legs, or in this case, perhaps clutching their Kinder Eggs for comfort.The altercation, which unfolded just a few days ago, saw the K.I.N.D.E.R.S. Corp attempting to assert its influence in systems controlled by the Talon Order, only to be met with unexpected resistance from none other than entire Turkish families. Yes, you read that right — entire families, from grandmothers wielding space brooms to toddlers in makeshift space suits, reportedly boarded their ships to give the K.I.N.D.E.R.S. Corp a piece of their collective minds.
Eyewitnesses describe scenes straight out of a space-faring sitcom, with disgruntled Turkish families armed with pots, pans, and a healthy dose of righteous indignation, taking on the corporate forces of K.I.N.D.E.R.S. Corp. One witness even reported seeing a grandmother wielding a mop chasing a retreating K.I.N.D.E.R.S. executive down the docking bay, shouting something about "respecting your elders" in a mix of Turkish and Galactic Standard.
"I'll tell you what," remarked one particularly spirited brother-in-law of a sister's uncle to our reporter on site, brandishing a ladle with surprising menace. "You mess with our systems, you mess with our families. And let me tell you, we don't take kindly to that sort of nonsense around here!"
 | "It was like something out of a nightmare," remarked one K.I.N.D.E.R.S. Corp pilot, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of further embarrassment. "We thought we were prepared for anything, but we never expected to be bested by a bunch of Turkish grandmas armed with rolling pins and pots of stew." |
Adding to the spectacle were the feeble attempts at support from other squadrons for K.I.N.D.E.R.S. Corp, which proved to be as ineffective as they were ill-conceived. Witnesses report seeing these so-called allies bumble their way through the conflict, more hindrance than help as they stumbled over their own feet and fumbled with their weaponry. "It was like watching a comedy of errors unfold before our eyes," remarked another bystander, struggling to contain their laughter. "I half expected a circus troupe to come tumbling out of one of those ships, it was that absurd."
Despite their pleas for aid mostly falling on deaf ears, the Kinder Corporation persisted in their efforts to subdue the Turkish opposition, only to be met with even more determined resistance. Reports indicate that the Turkish families, fueled by a potent mixture of familial loyalty and sheer stubbornness, managed to beat the Kinder Corporation out of several systems, leaving behind a trail of bewildered corporate executives and abandoned Kinder-branded merchandise.
As news of the clash spread throughout the galaxy, reactions ranged from amusement to disbelief, with many questioning the wisdom of corporate entities attempting to meddle in the affairs of tight-knit family units. "It's like they've never heard of the power of Turkish tea-fueled solidarity," commented one wry observer from the comfort of their space station cafe.
In the end, the clash between the K.I.N.D.E.R.S. Corp and the Turkish Talon Order serves as a cautionary tale for would-be galactic influencers — when you mess with Turkish families, you're not just facing a squadron, you're facing generations of stubborn resolve and the occasional flying rolling pin. As for the Kinder Corporation, they may want to stick to chocolate eggs and leave interstellar diplomacy to the professionals.
Dick Tatty exclusively for the Bacons Warpigs