Cosmisch interessante Affairen's Cosmic Crusade Against German Space Cruisers Inc.
16 Feb 2024Dick "Crook" Tatty
 | In a bizarre turn of events that could only happen in the intergalactic realm of absurdity, a probably 61-year-old retiree, let's call him Bob, has emerged as an unlikely nemesis to the formidable "German Space Cruisers Inc." Armed with nothing but a squadron of puppets hilariously named "Cosmisch interessante Affairen", presumably crafted from old socks, bits of string and dubbed with names like Captain Krol and Private Jo, this pensioner has thrown down the gauntlet in a cosmic battle of wits. |
In a rambling live stream broadcast on the official channel of "German Space Cruisers Inc.," Bob issued a stern ultimatum, threatening retaliation if the space-faring corporation did not cease its aggressive expansion into various star systems. The spectacle left viewers scratching their heads as the retiree brandished his puppet squadron as a legitimate force to be reckoned with.
A comprehensive investigation into the retired daredevil's history reveals a pattern of desperate attempts to form alliances with various other squadrons, all of which have politely declined or outright ignored his advances. One or two commanders even tried to teach our protagonist the finer points of faction politics, but they were all unsuccessful. It appears that his antics have rendered him a pariah among the more reputable factions of the galaxy, leaving him with little choice but to impose himself to the seemingly indifferent German Deep Space Squad.
It appears Bob's motivations extend beyond mere interstellar politics; rather, he seems intent on disrupting the balance of power to allow governments to "go on vacation." His delusions of grandeur have led him to believe that a standstill in the influence of all political groups is the key to achieving this lofty goal. Who needs a population that uses its democratic right to vote when you can simply leave the leaders in power? It works really well in dictatorships. Doesn't it? Sources close to Bob have revealed that he possesses little to no knowledge of diplomatic agreements or general political events, further cementing his reputation as a cosmic loose cannon.
Adding fuel to the already blazing dumpster fire of absurdity, Bob went on to accuse two other enigmatic entities, the "Fathers of the Void" and "Dark Echo", of colluding with "German Space Cruisers Inc." in what he described as "illegal machinations". The claims were met with widespread disbelief and no small amount of laughter from the galactic community.
| "Bob's antics are nothing short of absurd", remarked Dr. Ludwig Von Nonsense, a leading psychologist specializing in extraterrestrial behavior. "It's as if he's living in his own puppet-filled fantasy world, completely oblivious to the complexities of interstellar politics. " The incident has sparked a flurry of speculation among pundits and armchair psychologists alike, with many pondering the age-old question: do all old Germans eventually lose their marbles in the vast expanse of space? It's a question that may never be satisfactorily answered, but one thing is for certain: Bob seems to be operating on an entirely different astral plane than the rest of us. |  |
Critics have wasted no time in lambasting Bob as a certifiable tinfoil hat wearer who has long since lost touch with reality. His antics, they argue, are nothing more than a sideshow in an already circus-like galaxy, serving only to distract from the pressing issues facing civilizations across the cosmos.
As the cosmic dust settles, one thing remains clear: "Bob" may have lost his grip on reality, but his escapades in the final frontier will live on as a cautionary tale for generations to come. And as for the fate of "Cosmisch interessante Affairen"? Only time, and perhaps a healthy dose of therapy, will tell.
Dick Tatty exclusively for the Bacons Warpigs
Similarities to real people are (not) purely coincidental and no animals were harmed for this article.
On behalf of someone who knows someone, who has seen someone do something.