Inanis Amare
19 Aug 2016Ryan Murdoc
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." Marilyn vos SavantI opened my eyes.
Everything and everyone was gone. No sound to be heard.
I looked around. I was naked, but I didn't feel cold. I didn't feel anything at all.
"So, this is death? Did I die?" I whispered.
"No, you're alive. Some parts of you at least." another voice behind me answered in a almost bemused tone.
I turned around.
I looked at myself. Or someone that could've been me.
"Where am I?"
"Can't you tell? This is the place where you always went when the pain got too much. But you've forgotten, or someone made you forget. It's all back now, isn't that wonderful?"
The other Me smiled, but it made my hairs stand on end.
"This empty place is supposed to be wonderful? Bland, grey, nothing. It's depressing."
"Come on Dirk, don't be such a downer. You really loved it here when you had to deal with what your parents did."
"My parents?"
"Yes, your parents. You know, they probably had good intentions, but it was hard to have you at their age. Your mother was always quick with a slap to the face or using whatever utensils were near to relieve her anger upon you. Granted, you weren't beaten to where your life was threatened, but you also stopped counting the things that were broken upon your body."
I just stood there, listening to myself. The embodiment of my memories as it seemed.
"Your father on the other side only harmed you once with his hands. His regular choice of punishment was different from that of your mother. Where she relied heavily on physical force, he simply ignored you. And you wanted to have his attention so badly that being ignored by him hurt more and deeper then any wound on the outside ever could've."
"Did I deserve the punishment?"
"Who can tell? You were a kid, and it probably was quite the hassle to have you. I mean they loved you too, in their way. Just didn't get much of that feeling most of the time."
"I see...so..."
I looked around, still no features to be seen in this grey plane of existence.
"What happens next? Am I going to stay here for the rest of my days?
My other Me shrugged. And then smirked.
"Who cares? At least we're together now again..."
Something felt wrong all of a sudden.
"You are not me. You're a figment of my imagination, that's all."
The smirk poofed.
"I am you, Dirk. I am how you wanted to be in the past."
"I don't want to live in the past anymore."
"A short while ago you didn't have a past to speak of, and now you're casting away your newly found treasure?"
"Treasure? If this bland and empty space should be something someone treasures, the person must be quite desperate."
"Well, there's nobody and nothing here that can hurt you, so yes, it's a very welcome place. Or it was. Do you rather want to be hurted?"
"I rather want to face my pains instead of fleeing from them, yes."
"In that case..."
I blinked.
The scenery changed.
I felt warm sand under my bare feet. I smiled for a moment, but then the wind picked up and I had to turn around, so it wouldn't blow any sand in my eyes.
As I turned, I saw myself again. And yet it wasn't me.
I knew his looks from when I researched her history. Blonde hair, grey eyes. Just like me. The only difference was that he was larger and build like a house.
Psycho Penguin aka Sean.
"And what of all people are you doing in my head?" I screamed.
He smiled, even though the sand was blowing directly in his face.
"I am here as a constant reminder for you. That it was me who broke her, formed her to my will, and used her love for me to bring her down to her knees." he spoke, his words booming like thunder.
"She will always be mine, regardless what you try. I am who forged the chains she lies in, unable to break free. I am her creator, her master for the rest of her miserable existence. And you have no means, no power to undo what I did!"
He erupted in manical laughter.
My hands clenched into fists. I so wanted to beat this man into submission and then do all the things he did to Miss Martian. The days, weeks, months, years he hurt her physically and mentally. Treating her like dirt, like a slave.
Then I realized something. Suddenly, the wind stopped blowing as I unclenched my fists and felt calm. My voice was bereft of emotion as I spoke again.
"You are nothing. You are a sad excuse for a male, and once I wake up I will seek you out. I will take you somewhere nice and cozy, and there we'll have much time together. I'm not much for torturing others, but you've had your right to live forfeit the moment you laid your hands on her. The moment you abused her love for you. For that and all the other countless things you did, you will pay. Slowly. Before I'm done with you, you will cry out for your mother. But nobody will see you go, not even me. You will die alone and forgotten. For that is the punishment I have decided for you."
"You're invited to try, weakling." he shot back at me, smirking.
"And yes, I cannot save Martian from what you did to her. Only she herself can do so, but I'll be her guard and shelter. I will be the shoulder she can lean upon. I will be the door she can walk through. I love her for the woman that she is, and there be a way to reverse what you did."
He again erupted in laughter.
"She always will be on the edge, regardless what you do or say. I've planted it so deeply in her, nobody will get it out ever. You will fail like so many others did before you. Right at this moment you are here, in your own mind, and unable to be out there to help. And you know what? She'll do it again, and you are absolutely powerless to prevent it!"
"No she won't. She's on a good way to..."
"Bah! You know she will..."
"NO! I believe in her, and she..."
"Believe in her my ass. You're doubting her as much as she doubts herself!"
"Shut up!" I screamed as I leaped forward, fists clenched again.
He smirked, knowing he succeeded to drive me over the edge. But only until my right fist slammed directly upon his throat with all the force I could muster.
I watched with delight as he held his hands to his throat, eyes going big as he gasped for air. Suffocating slowly.
The moment he died, the scenery changed again.
I saw her, and I knew she had done it.
Again.
Miss Martian.
Tears welled up inside me. I felt betrayed.
"Why?" I screamed at her.
She turned her head to me, eyes cast down.
"I'm sorry." she whispered.
"Stop saying that, you don't even mean it! It's just a reflex. What will be next? Will you offer me your body to appease me more? Do you think that'll change what I feel right now?"
No answer.
I fell to my knees before her, tears rolling down my cheeks, blurring my vision.
I calmed down a bit, not screaming anymore. Instead, my voice was as bland as before.
"Do you remember that you made me promise you something my dear? "Please don't hurt yourself. Please" were your words. And I promised you then and there that I wouldn't harm me, if you never harmed yourself anymore."
I've stopped for a moment, waiting for a reply. Nothing came.
"You broke your promise. Our promise. What was it that made you do it? Or do I really want to know? For all the times we talked, when you said you'd listened to what I said, it was a lie, wasn't it? You wanted to comfort me, giving me the illusion that what I'd do helps. But on the inside your shackles still remained."
Silence.
"Tell me; what makes the words that hurt you more potent and powerful then the words of love that I spoke to you? Did you even understand that I'd lay down my life for you if the need would arise? You told me I was the only one that would see past the lovely and beautiful shell and into the darkness. But what good does that do if there is no way you'd accept me to help you?
More tears slid down my skin. Salty liquid on my lips and tongue.
"I love you Martian. As much as a man can love a woman. And my heart bleeds and is torn to shreds everytime. I am obsessed with you, I'd even kill if it would set you free. Yet you reject me with what you did, trampling on all the feelings I have for you."
I breathed a few times, waiting for another attempt to apologize from her. No sound still.
"I love you and forever will do so. But you leave me no choice. You broke our promise, and I am no longer bound to it as well. Maybe I will succeed where you failed."
My heart quaked as I spoke these words. Did I really want to die? Or did I just try to trigger a reaction from her? I didn't know at this point. Everything was possible.
"I love you..." she whispered
"Do you?"
"Yes..."
"No, you don't. Because you tried it again, and you once said you don't want to hurt anyone. Yet you hurt me by doing what you did. I will love you regardless of the pain and hurt you inflict upon me. Because my love for you is stronger then that. And I will never leave your side. Try as you might, you cannot cast me from you. Not in life or death, for if you succeed, I will go too."
I leaned forward, embracing her.
To be continued...