Unrest
21 Aug 2016Ryan Murdoc
"Unrest of spirit is a mark of life." Karl A. MenningerIt's been two days since my last blackout and those strange dreams. Or were they nightmares? Visions? Who gives a damn?
At least I know a bit more than before now. My name is Dirk, though my callsign is still Coragon. Surename still missing but at least I know now what they should put on my big toe if I go out in a blaze of glory. Assuming there's enough left of me.
The doctors said I should be ok for a while regarding the blackouts. But I doubt they know enough to be absolutely sure. Will be quite the feat to fly a Federal Corvette with the chance of having my brain switch off going full throttle through a HazRES site. To name but one of the fun situations I could find myself in.
With all the things that were revealed to me, I still didn't know anything more about my captors who used me as their guinea pig. I felt sore just as if I'd had too many drinks; to listen to some soothing music helped though.
The area below the landing pads was a nice spot to be, to relax and forget the troubles for a while. However even this place couldn't quell the unrest inside.
That's the state CMDR Reykur found me early in the morning. A few others were jogging around or enjoying the peace and tranquility of the water splashing about.
He sat next to me and didn't speak, just closed his eyes and relaxed along with me for a few minutes.
"I've got some news for you Coragon. Don't think you'll like to hear it though."
"Well, that's nothing new. I'm used to bad news by now. So, what's it this time?
Reykur paused for another moment, leaned forward and just looked at the water.
"We got more information deciphered. Also about that mysterious chip that's probably with...her."
"And?"
"You need that chip or else your brain will give up."
"What ?!"
Reykur sighed.
"According to the information we found, the barriers in your head were installed to have better control over you. But they also functioned as safety measure regarding your information intake..."
He paused again, looking away.
"The blackouts that occur seem to be the result of your brain collecting too much data too fast. We need to slow this down, somewhow. Or..."
"Or I'll go into permanent seizure mode?"
"Among other things, yes. But your brain is collecting any type of sensory input now. Like a sponge. But there's only so much you can take in."
I sat there, closing my eyes.
"So, in essence it comes down to me dying because my brain gets overloaded. Or, if not dying due to the information influx, my older memories get overwritten. Is that about it?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
I stood up, taking two steps forward. Looking down at my reflection in the water.
"And that chip is helping me how again? If there are those memories stored of my former self, how does that reverse the whole process?"
"We're working to unveil that part, but regardless how it works, you definitly need it in your head, or else..."
A heavy silence followed.
"How long do I still have, any ideas?"
"Depends. If we put you in a coma you will have little to no sensory input, thus giving you time. But I guess that's not what you got in mind."
"I've got a whole crapload of stuff in my mind, that's a given. But yeah, I rather die trying to find her and the chip then lying around waiting for the slim chance that she miraculously turns up at Greeboski's and presenting me with that thing. Not after what happened between the two of us..."
"Coragon..."
"The name's Dirk"
"Excuse me?"
"My real name. I remembered. It's Dirk."
"Errm...alright then. I will still call you Coragon though."
"Whatever, sure."
"So, don't get me wrong, but what exactly is your relationship with that woman? I mean, she was so briefly with the Ghost Legion, you barely knew her. And she seemed not to want or need any help from anyone."
I turned my back at Reykur, glaring down into the water again.
Another lengthy pause.
"What makes you think that she wants help? I studied her background that you had assembled."
I looked him straight in the eye.
"Because someone that has suffered through this kind of abuse and violence clearly wants someone to trust. Someone to depend upon."
"And what makes you think that you of all people are the one to help her? I mean, look at you. You're a mess in your own right, not knowing your past..."
"I've remembered enough to know at least a tiny fraction of what she went through!"
My voice was getting louder. Reykur just sat there, locking my eyes with his.
"So, because she suffered and you did too, that makes you what, equal? You've got some nerve!"
"It's not just because of that. I...I feel for her more then just pity. It's...more. Way more..."
"Aha...and how are your feelings going to help her get through? If she needed help she'd reach out to you and..."
"No, that is the point! She thinks everything that happens, regardless when and where, is her fault alone! The time she was with that Psycho Penguin asshole completely wrecked her self-esteem. She rather takes it out on herself then standing up and fight back!"
"You're really not giving her enough credit. If you're correct with what you say, then it needs careful attempts to get her courage up, and not that retarded sledgehammer method you made her go through. Yes, we've found the logs you made. Splendid job right there! No wonder she had to get away from a obsessed man like yourself!"
I snarled and grabbed Reykur, dragging him up to his feet.
"I didn't know better at the time! Damnit, what you think I'm going through each time I'm thinking of what I did? I scream at my image everytime, just to get the pressure out that keeps building up from deep inside!
"Take your hands off me Coragon...now!"
I didn't. Instead, my voice got louder until I pretty much screamed into his face.
"I want nothing else then to know that she's safe. That she's enjoying life. She deserves so much more! And I love her!"
"You're not helping her by pushing so hard that she's hiding away, just what she is doing now! If you continue doing that, she'll run from you, and she'll lose the tiny fraction of trust she still might have in you! Assuming you didn't shock that out of her back on your ship, you imbecile!"
I stood there, having his words ring in my ears. After a few moments I let go of him, and mumbled a apology.
"Ok, Coragon. You say you love her. Did it ever occur to you that she might not have the same feelings for you? Just because you want to be her savior in whatever way, does that instantly qualify you to make her love you? Think about that for a while, and now excuse me. I need to go back to extract information so we might be able to save you."
He turned around and was about to leave as I adressed him one more time.
"She has a tracking device..."
Reykur stopped and turned around.
"Excuse me?"
"The EVA suits. I had a small tracking device installed in all of them as a precaution. It doesn't work at a very long range. Also the possibility exists she has changed the suits and it's of no use at all anymore. I'll give you the frequency on which the device operates when I return to the Umbra Vorago. Maybe that way we can find her whereabouts."
"You're not in love, you're a control freak! If she finds this and counts two and two together, you can forget that she'll ever help you out. Let alone "love you". How stupid can one guy get, really?"
Reykur turned around and walked away crisply, his silouhette quickly disappearing.
I turned around, looking at my reflection again.
A tear came down my left cheek and fell into the water
"Please forgive me Miss Martian...I love you..." I whispered to myself.
To be continued...