Insomnia
03 Sep 2016Ryan Murdoc
"Insomnia is a vertiginous lucidity that can convert paradise itself into a place of torture." Emil CioranThe Umbra Vorago. Time and date unknown.
"You might fear I am insane
with how much I long for you
but this isn't just a game
for me. Forgive when I felt blue.
It was a boy's reaction then
childish and stupid.
But I guess that how it feels when
you're struck by the arrow of cupid.
Cheesy you might say, perhaps it is so.
Yet never will I go back on my word
that I gave. My candle I won't blow
out, neither will yours - thats our accord.
Through all the lies and slander I see
the one who deserves to be happy the most
and may others stare with glee
I be your shoulder and guard, whatever the cost.
My love is in vain, for we can never share
more then a few moments when we meet
but my feelings for you are laid bare
here, now and forever in my heart so deep.
Sleep well, and don't fear this madman
for he will never want to see you cry
again, but do what his feeble power can
to send your soul up to the starry sky."
Another poem.
Another attempt at sorting the chaos in me.
Another lie.
When was the last time I slept for longer then a few hours? Weeks. Since she escaped my ship.
I did what I had to do to exact judgement on those who did her wrong. Still, it didn't change one bit of my feelings inside or put me at ease in the slightest.
I long for her like dry wood is longing to be consumed by fire. The searing touch of the flames slithering up and all around.
Her being with that Sergeant Jammy was fueling my jealousy. Which was a irrational feel all by itself, for she had never been mine. Except when I caged her like a animal. When I could control her.
Do I love her, or do I simply want to have her back because I'm drunk on the feeling of power over another person? Over her? Do I want to see her before me with broken eyes, calling me Master? What in blazes is going on? Why am I even thinking these thoughts?
But I know I want her. To be near, to look at her body, smell her scent. All that and more. And I will stop at nothing to get her back.
"I see you're beginning to understand. The constant rage within, demanding that you take this woman for yourself? That Jammy guy might have taught her some flying lessons, but he's not interested in her well being like you are."
Freaking Psycho Penguin's voice in my head again.
"I thought killing you a dozen times or more should've taught you something by now..."
"You can't kill me, for I am part of you. And I am not Sean and you know it. You are just using his face and voice to visualize what you don't want to admit. The anger, desire, need for her. You want her so bad that madness isn't even coming close to describe it."
"Just shut the fuck up, will you?"
"You do realize you're talking to yourself in your head, yes?" He cackled.
I clenched my fists.
"Oh, look at him, little boy is getting mad. What will little Dirk do, cry boo-hoo?" he taunted me.
"SHUT UP!"
"Damn you're so pathetic. You've issued a assassination on Sergeant Jammy and additionally sent out people to track down Miss Martian to bring her back to you. Alive and probably kicking you in the nuts the moment she gets free of her restraints. Anything I forgot? Ah, yes. You still think that after all of that she'd be endlessly grateful and fall in love with you and admire your prowess between the sheets, right? Right?"
"Get the fuck out of my head!!!"
"Sorry pal, I'm here to stay. Now get on with the show and give it your best shot. It won't be enough regardless how well you've planned it out. With luck she has lost the chip so it's only a matter of time before you will go completely over the edge. And to add insult to injury, it be so sweet if she was there to witness you dying. Or perhaps pulling the trigger herself. That'll be some dark Karma now, eh?"
"I hate you!"
"You hate yourself? Here, take this."
I looked at my hand. Suddenly holding a knife.
"Just get it over with and everyone will be for the better. It's not as if you didn't try it already. It would also be possible just to fly out of the Station, strip your shields and accidentially fire, setting off the defense turrets tearing you to shreds in no time. Whatever you decide, just make sure it works ok? I'm getting tired of you."
My vision blurred as I started to cry.
"Oh please, now you're feeling guilty and want to be granted mercy for what you thought just moments ago? Is that it?"
"Just leave me alone..."
"Grow some balls you little imbecile. Don't you remember? Miss Martian likes the tough and bad boys. Those who slap little pansies like you around without even trying. No wonder she's more interested in the Jammy guy, he's ten times the man you never were nor will be."
Tears ran down my cheeks, I gulped and looked at my reflection.
In a mirror.
Where was I?
"Losing it again are we? Alright, I'll be here when you come back. It's not that I'd have a choice being stuck with a asshole like you..."
The pain came like a shockwave, splitting my head open.
I screamed at the top of my lungs and fell to my knees, letting go of the knife. Hands pressing against my temples.
I saw her being with Jammy. And realized that I lost her.
The pain nourished my anger as I screamed one more thing before going black.
"Never!"
I woke up again...
To be continued...