The Happy Sunshine Rainbow People
16 Jun 2017Penelope Richman
Best enjoyed while listening to this!I took a few moments to apply my Red Delicious lip gloss and brush my hair before turning on the camera. Making myself as comfy as I could on the stool, I looked into the imager.
“So, a week or so ago, I was at the local nail salon, when to my bewilderment, I learn that there is a third faction in this crazy galaxy. Ya, it’s true. Totes legit. I researched it and all. They are called the Alliance. They have this nobody leader leading them, which is why nobody has ever heard of them. But seriously, check them out. Like, access the Gal-net. But be warned, their leader looks like some sort of overstuffed chipmunk.”
“Anyway while I was doing my research, I happened to learn about this other aspect to the powers of the galaxy. It’s called Power Play. There’s like, a bunch of people all trying to be more important than the other and they do this through a means that I like to call micro-passive-aggressive warfare. I mean what's the point? Do they get some sort of trophy for be the best at passive aggressiveness? I mean seriously, I could walk down to the local credit store, slip a note to a passerby that says “You suck, I’m the best” and declare myself the winner. It doesn’t make sense. Anyway I digress.”
As stupid as the whole thing sounds, they offer to pay credits to pilots that sign up into this mess. So I thought to myself. Penelope, this is your ticket out of the poop trade But with a wide selection of so called, influential people to choose from, who should I work for?
“Well, my eyes landed on this young broad. Apparently she is some sort of Princess for the Empire. Two words: Fashion Nightmare. You would think, being a citizen of the Empire who naturally dress very well, and royalty she would have some sort fashion adviser. But I’m telling you, she’s a train wreck. But fashion aside I decided to give her a try because, she’s the only one in my age group. So, I loaded up all my belongings into my ship and made the horribly tedious trip out to Cubeo.”
“It’s a beautiful world I’ll grant you that. It was a very cheerful place. Everyone was smiling, and had a jog to their step. Which, was surprisingly suspicious. How could everyone be so happy? Naturally, I suspected some sort of cult. Soon enough I found myself at the door of the “Aisling Angel's” headquarters. Angels huh? Pretty try-hard, if I say so myself. Anyway I expressed my desire to join up with the group to the overly friendly receptionist. It was like a bomb went off. Everyone meandering around started clapping and whooping and yelling. I mean, seriously? I felt like I was some sort of convert. I was then led to a large conference room with bunch of wide-eyed starry hopefuls and we were treated to an an introduction video. If I had to rate this video on a scale of zero to ten. Ten being the best flick ever, I would rate this one, as the typical timeshare spiel. I mean, it was if they were trying to sell me something, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. And, oh the happiness and plethora of credits I would be promised if I just signed my name on the dotted line. Like all scams, you’re pressured into it and I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. I walked out of the room feeling like I had just been taken to the cleaner when I was accosted. For simplicity, I am going to call this person, “Guy Smiley.”.His face was nothing, but one huge smile. He must have been genetically engineered that way. I swear I was expecting him to pull out a pitcher of Kool-aid and offer me some. My mind was racing to come up with some excuse not to drink it if he did offer me some. I’m diabetic and I left my insulin back in Phiagre. Ya, that would work...”
“Have you ever had that feeling you're being violated though niceties? No? Well then, go to Cubeo. Anyway Guy Smiley took me to another room where I was treated with yet, another video. Apparently this princess has this platform she is running on. It’s called “Stop Slavery Stoopid.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. What I saw was the most horrific thing ever. How could any self respecting person dress they way she does? I was flabbergasted. Quick, somebody get that girl a makeover. It’s obvious she is trying way to hard.”
“Anyway I survived the episode of “Fashion Nightmares of the Rich and Famous” and walked out of the room. Guy Smiley was there to greet me with his, I assume to be, plastered on smile and offered me a choice on how to help Aisling achieve her dream and spread true happiness. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what he was going on about, but like a bulldozer on crack, he plowed on. I could either, murder ships. Or, I could haul, what I called Happy-Sunshine-Rainbow-Friendship-Leaflets to share the overwhelming joy of knowing Aisling as their true savior. Ya, Cubeo is a beautiful world, full of beautiful people who show they care through superior firepower. Naturally I signed up for the murder track, because as we all know sidewinders are built to kill.”
“So, with two Happy-Sunshine-Rainbow-Friendship Leaflets snug in my cargo hold I made my way out to the larger galaxy. Now let's pretend for a minute that I actually care about who’s in power. Who best could use some happy rainbowness? Well, turns out there is this really grumpy guy who seems to have a beaver growing out of his face. Ya, I thought to myself, he needs happiness. So I set course/”
You know, I have to say, Grom space is just a bleak as the name suggests. It was like a complete contrast from the ethereal land of perpetual happiness I just came from. And let me tell you. They. Want. Nothing. To. Do. With. Happiness. I was interdicted more times then I care to count. They were all like, NOOOOO, WE ARE MISERY PEOPLE. WE SHUN JOY… I’ll tell ya, the last interdiction, I barely made it away. I swear that rusty bucket was on it’s last leg. I managed to dock and find my Happy-Sunshine-Rainbow-Contact and handed the joy over. I was then told, that I had to truck my ass, all the way back to Cubeo to get my reward. Are you frikken kidding me. I have to make the trip back, just to get paid? I can tell you, I was not feeling the happiness.”
I took a deep breath.
“For my troubles, I was offered….” I take another slow breath. “Two hundred credits. Two hundred measly credits! That wasn’t enough to cover the cost of the repairs of my ship! Fucking cheapskates.” I take another deep breath. “Okay, I understand, as I spread the happiness, I will gain ranks through this bogus currency called merits. Ya, try buying shoes with merits. Anyway, I know that as I gain more merits, I will be granted more substantial financial compensation. Alright, so how many merits did I earn. Twenty…..I spent over two hours going halfway across the bubble and back, just to be interdicted like, six times. Limp away with a busted ship and all I got for it was, 200 credits, and 20 measly merits.”
“You ever been scammed by a cultish pyramid scheme? No? Head out to Cubeo and give Power-Play a shot; and you too can experience the joy of participating in micro-passive-aggressive warfare.”
