The Dark Side of Your Moon.
24 Oct 2017Penelope Richman
You know what’s bull-shit? The Pilots Federation and their inane little rulings. I mean, for fuck’s sake they dull out tiddly little bits of shit for us to do. For the longest time we couldn’t take on passengers, and the arbitrarily they decided one day “hey we should allow passengers. That would give the oversized flying dildo a purpose. Hauling whiny ass people all over the bubble and than some. “Oh, gee miss pilot slave, get me some wine. Now I want some cheese. You just got scanned, Reeeeeee! Hissssss!”
Like, fuck you bitch. I could easily shove you out an airlock and no one would be the wiser. It’s not like the Pilots Federation actually conducts any kind of background check…
But let's get to the real issue at hand. Scrunchies.
This fantastic elastic hairband was invented in 1986 by Rommie Revson as a way for women to, fashionably tie back their unruly and wildly out of control hair. Think about this. 1986 was like four hundred years ago! And yet, the pilots federation would not allow pilots to have long hair because it might “impede the pilot's ability to function.” I mean,WTF! You won’t let us have long hair, but you're perfectly fine allowing some blood thirsty murderhobo psycho pop a passenger module on their ship and give guided tours of the universe? What the hell is wrong with you people?
I mean, these mandates are all coming from a bunch of reclusive hermits all stowed away on their super sekret, with a k, planet that no one know about unless you met their simply arbitrary Elite Status. Then they are all like, “come, join ussss, become one with ussss in our little hidey hole, and enjoy the 10% discount on all goodssss.” So no wonder they are completely out of touch with rest of the bubble. And we think good ‘ol hamfisted Hudson is clueless.
But persistence is persistence and we won our cause. The Scrunchie overcame the backwards and simply brainless logic of the Pilots Federation. Yay, us! Now we can be fashionable space pilots. If only they would unbolt our asses from the pilot's chair.
Oh, also, you think the Thargoids might have a market for the Scrunchi?
On a more philosophical note. Has anyone noticed how the Vulture sounds like a diesel engine with it’s engine brake constantly engaged? It makes more noise cruising around then a ‘conda boosting through a flight deck. Engineers, with all your super amazing mods would you, like, make a mod or something to fix that? I mean hell, they had mufflers in 1986 I’m sure you can come up with something equally efficient with all your super advanced technology that lets us travel faster than light. Then again, artificial gravity still isn’t a thing. Oh well. I’ll stick with my little rust bucket. At least it doesn’t sound like it’s farting all the time.