Here there be monsters... (Beyond Colonia)
04 Nov 2017Nightsta1ker
I don't care who you are, or what you have accomplished. There is no better way to learn about yourself than to spend a long time completely alone. For many, it is their undoing. The problem with being alone on a long expedition is that you start losing your mind. Without anyone to talk to, you start to talk to yourself, and before long, you notice that your personality begins to calve. Then, there's more than one of you. I would imagine that this is fairly easy transition for those already ailed with mental illness. But it is a painful process for someone who is (or formerly was) sane. It's painful because you KNOW how crazy and wrong it is for this behavior to take place. You watch helplessly as your own mind starts to split it's personalities. I am beginning to see this process happening in myself. And it means one thing: It's time to go back to the bubble.
One might ask; "Why not bring someone along?" A fair question... until you experience what it is like to be stuck in a space with another human being for an extended period of time. That is just as (if not more) maddening. In fact, it often leads to only one person returning from such expeditions, with the other suffering some unfortunate "accident". Sometimes no one comes back. Even the best of friends can be driven to the point of doing the unspeakable when they are forced to share a small space for long periods of time. Sometimes, it's suicide. I've read a good deal on the topic, and there needs to be a certain balance. A crew of around 20 or so individuals, equally balanced male and female, seems to be the best mix for retaining enough of a social structure to stave off madness. Getting a crew of 20 together for an expedition is often far too expensive for any but the largest corporations or organizations. And space is littered with the wreckage of some of those expeditions as well (because sometimes all it takes is one person becoming unbalanced to destroy the whole crew). So exploration is typically done by lone wolves. Commanders who are more comfortable in the emptiness than they are in social environments. And the good ones, they usually are well enough anchored in sanity that they avoid somehow deal with the mind-split. I am not one of those commanders. And it's the reason it took me so long to finally head out to The Center and Colonia. I had been stealing myself up to it with smaller expeditions. Testing the waters before the long voyage. Studying myself. Evaluating. While I wasn't always happy with what I saw in myself (who ever is?), I was driven enough by my desire that I put those misgivings aside and took the leap.
Now here I am, out in uncharted waters. Too far out for even the most capable and dedicated Fuel Rat or Rescue One to save me. And I am coming unraveled. Slowly. It started with verbal commentary that edged into full blown dialog with... myself. Like there was another person on the ship with me. I knew I was in trouble when the realization failed to stop the behavior. So now I am aware of the shift, and I can observe it getting worse, but simply knowing I am going crazy isn't enough to stop me. I'm starting to think I didn't spend enough time in Colonia before shipping out for more exploration. I certainly didn't need the credits, but perhaps a few missions would have done me some good. Grounded me in a social setting and letting me reset. Why didn't I do that? Oh wait... there were no missions available. Like... none at all. Almost as if there was no economy on Colonia. Maybe that's what it means to be in a cooperative? I'm far too Federal to understand how that works on a fundamental level. So I really had no option...
I think another part of the problem is that I have always been a rolling stone. Nothing has ever felt more like home to me than the command chair of a ship. And when the view isn't constantly changing, I get edgy. Maybe I was hoping that life on the new frontier in Colonia would seem attractive to me. Maybe I thought I would find a home there, like so many other commanders have. Alas. I don't think I have ever felt more like an outsider than I did in Colonia. In fact, I couldn't wait to watch that system blur around the edges of my hyperspace wake.
So I am going crazy. And hopefully I can find a way to get a grip on myself before there is some permanent damage to my psyche.
In the meantime, I have lots of black holes to distract me, as I seem to have stumbled upon a very dense cluster of stars, with an unnervingly high frequency of very old stars. From any given spot in this region I can jump to at least 20 white dwarfs or pulsars, and at least one black hole. I have discovered at least 15 in this sector, and I am not done yet.
