The Deadliest Sin of Pride
21 May 2016Brenner Soriah
Stardate 1605-3302, 1626Commander Brenner Soriah, speaking to remember what I find to be enough information to warrant another log. I don't believe it will be as much as some others. It's difficult for me to speak right now. I mean, physically difficult. My chest is squeezing in on itself. I will do my best to speak clearly.
As I stated in my last log, I have felt very very isolated and alone from my comrades in the Consortium. In part, it was due to the loss of my systems for that month. In the other part, it was due to the lingering bitterness of the betrayals I felt in January. Although I was back in the cockpit, my spark, my drive, my burning fire had dwindled dim. Coupled with a work schedule that separated my hours from everyone elses, and it made for some very lonesome space to fly in. The best I could manage was to support the Paladin's operations in the background, running the BGS and trying to improve myself.
The first mention I'd like to make comes to a group who thought they could undermine us in the shadows. The paladin's operations extended to the Hutton Orbital Truckers and other allies for a time, but then control started to slip inside of LFT 37. Someone was playing against us in the BGS, somewhere we could not see them. Someone who thought that if they could not be seen, then there would be no retaliation. They were right; for a time, we had no idea who it was that was pushing us down, only that someone was. But as with all things, the truth came out as intelligence discovered a Russian group by the name of EG Union. This group, for reasons unknown to me, had laid their stakes against us. Once we traced the attacks back to them though, we were able to divert the war to their homeland, laying our own attack with our allies into their government. There weren't many instances of actual ace combat, but I heard over the scanners from time to time when our commanders came under attack. I was never around at the right time to help them... So the war of nearly two months took place in the background. A cold war. I had placed myself out at HIP 10716 to perform some subterfuge and espionage inside the Empire. Working out how they were tick, and getting in close enough to make off with their ships. Juggling simple missions against a corporate faction that noone would miss and flying back to cram down hours of flight to boost the Paladin's homefront and a teensy bit of sabotaging the EG Union. Eventually, under threat of losing, the Russian pilots opened up negotiations. Commander Digitarry most honorable brought them to peaceful terms, and made us yet another friend in the galaxy.
It is here that things went south. Heavily. As you can tell from the very short recollection of the prior two months, it seemed like nothing was really going on. Thanks to a brief talk with one of my closest friends in the consortium, I learned that the leader I held the deepest grudge against was no longer active. Up until this point, on the several occasions the Council had approached me to rejoin them, I rebuked them with a cold and wounded heart. I wanted no part of people who wouldn't properly give me a second chance. So I gave what I could to the Paladins in my own way, slowly growing restless. The moment I found out this individual wasn't a factor, I felt a surge of energy. I wanted to work again. And I don't mean as some number to add into the BGS. I mean really working. Creating events, bringing people together, inspiring and being a part of the greater plan. I wanted to be that boisterous pilot again, when I felt invincible and had the love of my comrades and trusted in them with my being. But how could I, when I had acted so coldly to the one who had brought me there in the first place? To the one who had equipped me with the tools I needed to help make his visions a reality?
...
...
...nnf . . .
I'm sorry, my chest is already trying to burst again. The truth is... I didn't think I could face him. I let my pride take the wheel, and put just too much faith in my past actions to speak for the present intentions. Instead of facing Big Pappa directly, I wanted to come up to him after I had something worth showing him of what I meant. Coming around empty handed felt so very wrong. Through the Paladin Consortium's Chancellor votes, I wanted to prove that I was still golden at heart. And my pride cost me. I started my endeavor like I would with any. I went to find out information. I already knew more or less what the Paladins were doing. But I needed to know our allies' agendas and schedules too. I needed to know so I could come up with the best plan, the best strategy, the best ideas. But that was my mistake. In keeping Big Pappa out of the know, in trying to hide my surprise, I was mistaken for foe. Instead of being hailed for ideas that I did not yet have, I was shunned like a traitor yet again. He believed I was trying to undermine him when he was told about my snooping. I would never! I would never... right?
I don't know anymore. I thought I was doing something right, but the next thing I know, I was being handed the pink slip by proxy... I hailed him in every way I could think of, and all communications were rejected. I was going into a panic at this point. How could it all just end like that? I hunted him down personally, to try to convince him of my innocence. It didn't work. Whatever way I tried, it didn't work. I can still here those words pounding unsympathetically back at my ears. "You are the only thing that is negative with this group. The only drama."
The words sting me even now as I recount them, like a knife fresh to the flesh. What if he's right? What if that's all I am? Nothing good about me? I am flipping wildly between believing him and thinking myself the worst possible being, and believing myself and wanting to hate him so desperately for the percieved betrayal, for him not understanding me. But then... I'd just really be angry at myself. And at the end, I don't know what to do anymore. My tears are real. I don't know what else to say. My home is gone, my heart is missing a piece of itself. I am alone in this cold cold galaxy. The Paladins have expelled me, and my contact list has grown increasingly short from others striking my name from their own databanks. The passion and good intentions I had mean nothing anymore. My pride has cost me. And it cost me everything. It is this, the deadliest sin, that has left me to wander amidst my own thoughts, choking on feelings that I cannot control. I have no idea what to do next...
What DO I do next? There is no other group I want to join... I am not strong enough to be the leader to my own group... I never want to be the leader like that. It always ends in failure. ... what is wrong with me? What do I do? What do I do?
...I'm going to end this here. My thoughts are clearly going out of control again, and I refuse to let anyone else bear my own burdens.
Commander Brenner Soriah... signing off...