Reflections of a War Addict
29 Sep 2024Rawnu
I never cared too much for the war against the Thargoids. Until now. And it frightens me how much I've changed. Back in the days, I had one encounter with them, at Ezra Point, where I was helping out my old comrades from the "Screeming Firehawks". Elana and Miri recruited me for one last hoorah, or so they said, to defend that part of Alliance space against our alien adversary. Back then I wrote "I have very mixed feelings about this, especially as a lot of pilots here talk about killing them "bugs" and worse terms. Once you get used to dehumanize someone, when do you stop?"So what has changed? Well, the attack on Shinrarta Dezhra happened. ShinDez is special, not only to me, but to all Commanders of the Pilots' Federation. It is the closest to home we creatures of the Black have. So it was a no-brainer to join the fight. It was the most intense combat I've ever experienced. When suddenly a triplet of Hydra Interceptors drop on you, the world becomes a whirlwind of laser beams, plasma eruptions, overheating warnings, and pure chaos.
And in that moment, when everything was screaming death around me, when the Black exploded into neon colors, and the lives of everyone left, right, up and down my ship's wings hung in the balance... I felt alive. Even now, thinking about it, my skin shivers and the hairs on my body stand up. Alive, so close to death. No thoughts, no worries, just pure existence, pure being. Pure staying alive.
We won the Battle of Shinrarta Dezhra, the greatest battle the Pilots' Federation has ever fought as a unit, as an army. This realization, that we have, and even if only for the fleetest of moments, become a united defence force, is almost as overwhelming as my feelings in battle. War changes everything, nothing is left untouched. Who am I now?
I continue to fight, partly because out of duty to no longer stand on the sidelines and let other suffer. But also because... I miss it. What kind of PTSD is this? Not being haunted by war, but searching it out. I know that at the end of this road, I won't recognize me. And mostly likely I won't be happy about the person I will meet there. This has to stop somehow and the only remedy might be to head out into the Black. To lose this War Rawnu I've created – and find my soul again.
