Deliverance
18 Feb 2020Paul Hutchings
001-01 [An entry for my sanity]Drifting… aimlessly drifting… I can’t even remember if the thrusters have been burning or if I have simply let the cosmic winds guide me through the darkness. I feel like I have been traversing the Rift for months, years even, aimlessly searching – every time I consider leaving, I am pulled back in by something, a new sight, a strange star, maybe just an urge to find something… or is there a higher force out there that will not let me leave. An intelligence that can feel my presence, one that wants to be found, one that knows I am so close. I will keep searching, keep pushing forward, outward, into the void.
001-02 [I have started now, I shall continue]
It is so dark out here, so void of light, of life, but there is a peaceful serenity to this isolation. Is that serenity tainted… maybe. I don’t believe I am in full control of my faculties anymore. Sometimes I lay awake feeling fast asleep, sometimes I stare into the blackness without blinking, without thinking. I am not even aware if I am breathing anymore. Sometimes I feel the small, cramp cabin of this ship is actually just an extension of my body, a second skin… am I just floating in space? The coldness of the vacuum surrounds me, tightens my skin, threatens to steal my life, to steal my mind.
001-03 [Remember a day]
I remember feeling so excited as I commuted around the bubble, docking at one station and then the next. Building my perfect exploration vessel, feeling the excitement of the coming adventure. Trading for money, helping with faction missions, assisting passengers in need, all for my own selfish pursuit. Each station I visited, every planet I landed on, felt like one step closer to my goal. Even visiting those damn engineers with their high demands for social and material needs was exciting albeit mercilessly laborious. But it was all worth it. At the end of it all, I stood proudly at bay 35 of Daedalus starport, looking up at my brand new and fully outfitted Diamondback Explorer. I had it painted red, an ode to an old television show I saw once. I wish I could go back to those days, not to remind myself of the joy and excitement I felt, but to warn myself not to leave, well… not to go too far at least.
001-04 [Another entry, I suppose]
I record these journals for my own benefit, I read them back to myself as if they were correspondence from a loved one. I have no communication out here, I can not remember what the sound of another voice feels like, to hear a voice would make me… feel something. Instead I just have my own voice, although I find I speak very little these days. I used to talk to myself quite frequently and answer back most times too. I don’t talk anymore, words have been replaced by primal feelings and wonder. I look out at the stars, they are so few and far between here, but sometimes they appear so close. I fantasise reaching out and touching them, plucking them from their black canvas and holding them in my hand. A bright burning diamond of my own. I could rearrange them, redesign them, build a universe of my own. In my mind I can do many things but my mind, I fear, is failing me. With each jump it is fading away, shutting down.
001-05 [The Phantom]
Something strange happened today, I saw another ship. It was a Krait Phantom I believe, I could tell by the signature strip of the thrusters, a burning trail of light in the darkness. A fellow explorer out here in the void. I wondered how they were doing, mentally, if they were coping or if they were struggling as I am. Were they alone or maybe they chose, most wisely, to bring someone along with them to share their journey. What was stranger, stranger than the very sight of another human-made object, was that I had no desire to communicate with them; I had no desire to chase after them and plead for conversation or simply some company. How am I so conflicted?
001-06 [Time]
Time passes so very slowly out here. Back in the bubble you were never far from something… anything. It was never many jumps before rest, business or pleasure. Time moved in a tangible sense, out here is seems non-existent, surreal. What does it matter, I have become indifferent to it anyway.
001-07 [Am I still here?]
I am a shell… the organic matter that once lived here left some time ago. I am losing my mind, I know that much. My body is dwindling, my muscles barely visible, my bones degrading, I am withering away. Autopilot guides me through the stars, one jump to the next. Something in the remnants of my mind alerts me to stop every now and then, to refuel when needed. Other than that, I have no direction, I barley have any input, I am lost, I am alone.
001-08 [There is still hope, isn’t there?]
Somewhere, beyond the rift, is where I’m heading, there’s no use returning to the bubble, nothing there for me anymore. I have come too far to turn back now. The deeper I go, the darker it is. The farther I go, the more I feel part of the galaxy. I feel ever closer to the truth, as if an unknown presence is pulling me ever closer to….
001-09 [……….]
……. …….. I… I can see something… I don’t know what it is, but there is something out there…. I am going to head toward it… …… getting closer now…. It is… distorting, I can’t quite focus on it… there appears to be something… oh… the controls have taken over… I am not longer in control… …..
001-10 [Stars!]
My God… it’s full of stars!
[Communication Ended]