Duty, 32: On Repeat
29 Mar 2023Meowers
Damn those days are turning into one. Reaching my room, I fall asleep instantly, then an alarm wakes me up and it's time for another shift. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Like those bastards are keeping us on the edge, draining us, sending a bunch of cheap arse Cyclopes and Basilisks to bugger us; we take off, we punch their faces, they run away after losing one or two, we return, and then the whole thing repeats after a couple of hours.
We can't track their in-system movements anymore, they wiped out almost every one of our orbital satellites, not to mention other surveillance stuff that we can't reach anyway. Every that little raid meant another group appearing somewhere else, to search for our stuff and blast it out of the space. It was like... An illness getting worse. The less satellites we've had, the closer they were able to appear, the less time we've had to react and send a wing or two. Thankfully, our long-range comms and planetary-based sensors are actually here, on the surface, so we're not totally hopeless.
My goddamn hair look like a goddamn straw. And my eyes feel like somebody tossed a handful of sand in my face. Shit. That sucks. Locals limited the water distibution, powering the pumps and filters only for a few hours a day and I still have no luck catching that time being awake and not in the cockpit. Mion told me that civilians are preparing for food rationing too, on top of all that. Anyway, I've no idea about what's happening in the 'civilian' part of the town now. I guess now it looks almost like the refugee camp we have. Hah. I still haven't been to the park.
Damn fuel is another concern as well. Last time, I had to request a clearance to pursuit a damaged Medusa that's been running away, out of the '300 km hemisphere', the thing we're limited to now. And I've got it. For one ship only. And when I finished that damn Medusa, another group appeared above the settlement. Christine handled it well, but, ugh. That's so stupid.
Shit that thing is turning into a rant. But what else can I do? I'm goddamn doing my best. And we don't lack the skill. However, I must admit... Back then in the Pleiades, seeing dozens of AXDF vessels, I didn't think I'd ever say this. But here and now we lack sheer numbers. Ships and pilots. Ours, AXDF, ships and pilots. I've no doubt those green poop freaks can tell us from the militia, when they see me or Matthew and our wings, they start to chicken. Like, trying to pull us away or to keep us in the air for a long time, so that we burn more fuel. Or whatever. And we've tried to send local-only groups, even the strongest wings, Mion and Roberto. Lost two ships and stopped. Once they see the militia without our support, they attack like it's friggin' no tomorrow, and more of them can appear, so, at some point, local pilots start to falter, they fall back under the AA gun range... And being in the AA gun range means the Thargoids are less than a minute away from firing at the town.
If those shits have a 'threat gauge' of their own, how many points they're giving me? Hah.
Heard about one tech collapsing while tinkering with Challenger's top thruster. The thing is quite high above the ground. Poor guy fell on the concrete floor and broke his neck instantly. Yeah, I know that sometimes they operate without attaching the security harness properly, to get our ships back in line as soon as possible... Can't blame them for that. Though... A part of my mind is convinced that this wasn't an accident.
At least, with some ships lost, locals have the luxury of assigning two pilots to the same ship to give those folks a chance to rest longer.
What else can I say... I don't know. Right now, I'm sitting in the cockpit, recording all this, I'm rearmed, refuelled and... Should I say 'ready to go' or being ready to go is our only allowed and possible state now? Have no idea. I have three hours left on this shift, then I'll go to my room to fall asleep and then the whole thing will, indeed, repeat itself. I feel myself like I'm programmed. But, to be honest, I don't mind going like that for a while, it... Clears the head. Of course I'd like to have a little break to freshen myself up, though, hah, the Thargoids don't think the same.
Curious thing is... Once I wanted to have something like this. Not the war, of course, with all the deaths and cruelty, but... That 'being a part of the machine' feeling. Years ago. When my life looked the same way: working, sleeping, working, sleeping, nothing more. But I wanted to see a meaning, a cause, for spending my life this way, a good cause, not just making someone else rich. Years have passed, I've got myself a PF licence, became a pilot... I saw a different way of living. I saw a different way of living, I've tried it, I've got confused and disillusioned, and that way eventually led me to the decisive morning in Komotae. Then, the speech, joining the AXDF, and here I am. Sitting in the cockpit thinking about repetitive nature of my life. Like... There's a hint I'm yet to find, a lesson I'm yet to learn, a door I'm yet to open. To figure out, finally, what kind of living I want to have, before my time runs out. I'm not complaining, no, but... Is everything really supposed to look like this? If there's an option, I might not want to take it, but I want to have... Answers.
That night on the balcony. Does it have something to do with that? I don't know. All those pictures of imaginary future, they look so... impossible. Especially, given the circumstances. Big, green, angry and acid-farting circumstances. Like... What should I do when the war ends? Where do I start? How can I be sure that the stuff won't repeat itself again? Ah, crap.
Goddamn, what a mess I am. At least now I feel like I've said everything that has been bothering me in the recent days, hah.
Yeah, Mion messaged me a couple of hours ago. Told, like, "with these water shortages you might consider moving to my place while you still can remember what people may do in the shower". Hah. I should think about that option tomorrow.
Until then... I should sign off probably. Looks like another bunch is coming...