Exposure, 8: Eyes Wide Open
14 Nov 2023Meowers
Ow, that was... Something different. Like, I've expected that, a little, but... Yeah, the brain takes time to fully realise, and then it's like... Wow! Where do I start? Okay. I guess it's a good choice to record everything while it's still hot. Anyway... Do I... Do I have my heart rate increased? And that weird feeling, like, you know, being weightless, yet hella strong. Like there's nothing impossible for you anymore. Like having your eyes opened widely.
To say 'I laughed like nuts' is to say nothing. Those couple of minutes with my arms spread wide, head tilted back and a few tears running down my cheeks were something... I can't even remember that happening in my life, at all. At that moment I didn't even care that this was a virtual space, not real, not existing actually: it looked real, it felt real and... Did I finally feel like... This all 'being' thing was actually... Good? Okay, okay, in that your real normal boring world, I do exist, I do have a body too. Because I should have one, right? You'd be dead without it. I have legs to walk and hands to grab, all other necessary organs to function, and this entire body is like a machine I exist in, a machine I need to do things. A good one, quite reliable. I do things, I try to keep it in a good condition and I repair it if something is wrong. But there, in that... Imaginary space, it was different. Entirely. I enjoyed being.
How should I damn explain if it was something I've experienced for, much likely, the first time? Ah, I think I should try anyway. So. I enjoyed everything. How I look. How I feel. What I know about this new... Form of mine. It was 'me', not the machine to exist in, but real 'me'. Like, normally, I don't really care. People have bodies, I have mine, nature gave me this thing, here, take this, this is yours now, and I like how it works, all that. But what I felt there... Something certainly new and unknown. Delightful. I enjoyed it. The very essence of it, not just the sum of functions it could perform. Existing in that form, that shape. That... Manifestation of myself, my mind, my nature.
Oh, okay, this is certainly not healthy, phah.
Speaking of unhealthy things. Bah. You can't smoke in VR. Like, you can simulate it, even the taste, but you aren't going to get any chemicals out of that... Recreational inhalation process. Same goes for eating, you will get the taste, but it won't satiate you. Drinking, too. At least you could experiment with stuff you'll never even touch in real life, or allergic to. So, a big cup of tea and a couple of cigarettes were my choice. In that, phah, real world.
I know it's the 'normal' state of things, and that I was back to being 'normal', the body I've been wearing for three and a half decades, yet it felt like... Ah, craps, I'm really going to say that now. I'm really going to damn say that weird shit now because I finally figured that out to the 'put into words' level. Like the 'real' me, that 'real' shape of me is actually wrong, it doesn't fit me. It's not what I should be. It limits me, it doesn't give me anything positive when I exist in it. That's why I've always thought that my body is just a machine to do all kinds of stuff. Even at 'doing stuff' I'm limited by what its maximum performance is. I never really liked it. I never enjoyed having it, truly. The set of functions is nice, the resilience is awesome, it even looks somewhat okay, but nothing more.
My weird brain suddenly, unexpectedly discovered a place of comfort I didn't even know about and actively refused to leave it. Of course, with a little shy tint of 'I should've kept that private'. But... Damn. I haven't tried it before, it was the first time, I let my intrusive thoughts win and here I am now. Contemplating about something that was meant to be a little joke, a way to help my new friend get to know herself better; yet it turned out to be a revelation of sorts, as unexpected as it was overwhelming. For myself.
And, what about Kasumi? Judging by the way she... acted, 'there'... I bet there's more going on rather than simple silly experiments. Anyway, she hasn't told me yet. A part of me hopes she felt none less ecstatic because why not. If, by inviting her to play this virtual thingy, I've actually helped her with reaching the same point of... connection with inner self, then I did everything right. It was meant to work that way.
Everything is quite obvious in her case. But what about me?
I came closer to the mirror and, well, simply looked at what I saw there. Trying to understand, to get the difference. Nah. It was 'okay'. Nothing more. A mere few minutes ago I was graceful. Powerful. Perfect. Here, I'm just a mote of consciousness that operates the machine.
Ah, dammit.
I'd better get back.