The Bureau of Peasant Relations: Official Statement on Rumours of Mass-Buying Slaves
09 Dec 2024Meowers
The Bureau of Peasant Relations of The Majestic Imperium of Torval once again has to interrupt its daily business to publish an official statement regarding the fallacious rumours which has begun circulating in simpler classes of society, starting shortly after the recent Thargoid invasion in Sol and neighbouring systems. The first and foremost fact we want to emphasise is that The Imperium of Torval claims no responsibility for the conditions that people from the Federal commonality have to endure in their evacuation ordeal, that is being coordinated by the Federation entirely, with all the ensuing consequences. In this matter, as a proud exemplar of developed society we stand, as we stood for decades, peremptorily refusing to endorse any of the values of the Federation, in order not to exacerbate the situation already dire.
Although, amongst the social disturbances, seemingly chaotic and barely controlled by the respective authorities, persists a sentiment that we cannot leave unquelled, as we at the Imperium of Torval find its very nature repulsively flawed and misleading. Once again, we lend a helping hand to societies struggling outside the protective influence of the Imperium in our everpersevering pursuit for improving and elevating humanity, only to face profane lies and accusations.
It is being said, with appalling audacity, that envoys of the Imperium who gathered all the fortitude required for such an endeavour, and visited the beleaguered systems with an open heart and lustrous willing to aid, are "mass-buying slaves" at the attacked starports and evacuation vessels. And that we, Imperium of Torval, keep the newly acquired assets in destitute, inhumane, abhorrent conditions, with barely a place to rest, forcing them to "work around the clock in our mines". That we, and my hands are truly trembling in righteous resentment writing this, feed them "mashed cockroaches" in return for their selfless and exhausting toil.
As much as we are obliged to maintain a position free and unblemished by any unnecessary involvement in circulation of hollow, uncorroborated rumours spreading across the plebeian communities, this particular one is a blatant lie we cannot leave unaccounted for. We at the Imperium of Torval are yet to rectify the source of the said lie and extinguish it with all the strictness and severity essential, and, in the meantime, are willing to keep you, dear reader of this Statement, well informed and adjusted, so that none of those wild, bizarre deceptions could shatter the understanding of truth, that may be, if you, dear reader, are still not a part of the Imperium of Torval, more fragile than we do expect.
Every single person boarding the transport vessels belonging to the Imperium of Torval in their blessed wish to play their part in creating a better future for humanity, signs a genuine Imperial Servant Contract which ensures that their life and dignity will be valued accordingly anywhere within the Imperium. The conditions we offer are also regulated and standardised, meaning that as soon as people step onboard one of our ships, they may forget the chaos and misery, the looming uncertainty of hastily-issued evacuation protocols which can't stand the rigorous test of time. Under the true Contract, we at the Imperium of Torval are obligated to provide each recipient of the Contract with proper accommodation and suitable workplace for no less than 5 (five) standard years, effectively preventing the very chance for those people to become impoverished, homeless and unemployed. Our Miner's One-Bunk-For-Two programme has proven to be efficient where everything else fails, where thousands of people are left on the streets in dire need. The Imperium of Torval also gladly recognises the importance of self-fulfillment, of actualisation for simpler human beings, and we are ready to provide everyone with the best tools you can ever find in the Galaxy, to let everyone leave their mark in building the perfection, of theirs and entire humanity. The famous Torvalstandard Mining Pickaxe is a true marvel, rugged and reliable, it can serve you faithfully for decades, whilst also being immune to flaws and malfunctions of electronic and mechanical equipment. And, addressing the matters of sustenance, I can proudly state that, for generations upon generations of those who work, who pave the road to bright future for all of us, nothing so far has rivalled our Natural Protein Bars, rich and energising, served after another successful day, another step to elevate humanity above the hardships and pointless struggles. Uniting people at the dining table with fresh Natural Protein Bars, we unite people on the way to prosperity.
Considering the truly horrifying situation these people faced in what could possibly be the darkest chapter in the history of humanity, we at the Imperium of Torval stepped forward as we always strive to do, providing our new members coming from the evacuated planets and starports with highly-prized Torval's Grace Coupons which can be at any time exchanged for five more rations of Natural Protein Bars, supplemented by three rations of Torval's Sawdust-Special Bread, a groundbreaking formula able to get you through the hardest of days.
With all that being said, we at the Bureau of Peasant Relations of The Majestic Imperium of Torval wish you to follow the light we bring into our difficult times, to heed to the voice of reason and truth, instead of succumbing to ignorant, bitter and decadent lies spread by those who themselves are lost in darkness and misery. And if you, dear reader of this Statement, are also affected by the tragedy that fell upon us, if you feel trapped in the vicious circle of survival, if you feel neglected or mistreated while you endure the distress, we at the Imperium of Torval are always ready to share our purpose, our faith in a better future with you. Board one of our transports in the evacuation hubs, or contact our representatives via networks, and join us to have a certain and safe tomorrow.
Author's note: I wrote this thing a couple days ago just for a weird kind of fun since 'The Imperium of Torval' has become somewhat of a recurring insider joke. Turned out pompous enough to reach publishing. Of course it has nothing to do neither with my character nor with the more serious-minded ongoing story.