Nine Deadly 'Condas Cruising In The Stars
04 Apr 2022Haggis Jnr
Well that went pretty well!My brother and I were hauling goods to help someone in the Pleiades, well my brother was hauling ... I can't really help much in Bob, love my Sidey to bits but cargo hauler he ain't. So I was just cruising around, enjoy some me (well us) time when suddenly I get a message that some bad guys have been sent after us - my brother's light years away ... could this actually be my moment? Is this my chance to shine? I've been doing a bit of combat recently, I'm getting better and I'm quite enjoying it too.
Let's do this! Bob and I carefully inch out of the station - Bob is in the best shape of his life - Lei Cheung and Selene Jean have made him tough, Professor Palin has made him fast and Broo Tarquin and Tod "The Blaster" McQuinn have helped him pack a punch nobody will see coming. I'm still a little nervous though - there's a huge bounty on each of these guys - they're not going to be easy. Let's just say I'm not expecting Cobras! But I've got to do it - everything has been leading up to this moment.
I press the button, Bob's frame shift drive starts charging and before I know it we're zipping through the stars. A blip appears on my radar - right behind me - quick check and sure enough - it's an Anaconda! I can't tell yet if it is one of th ...
... Oh! Oh! Interdicted! I guess this is it - decision time - Bob is nimble, I could easily beat this but with one final intake of breath - the famous 10 seconds of courage - I set the throttle to zero. This is it, no backing out now.
Disaster!!! The guy is coming at us like a raging bull, Bob's shield is gone already and his armour is taking a beating - no way we're going to survive this. But I'm a fighter, I get in close ... and I mean real close ... stick to the guy's belly and everything calms down a little. I start having a go at his shield and wow ... that thing is literally starting to melt ... Bob does indeed pack one hell of a punch! I frequently lose my place and we take more of a beating when I do but we're still alive and before I know it Bob's shield is up and the bad guy's is down. Here goes nothing - target the power plant, aim at the small square and let rip with the rails - nothing! Not even a dent! In frustration I fire off several more, sometimes I hit the square bang on, sometimes I'm a little off and sometimes I miss the guy completely (how do you miss something THAT BIG). But we're starting to get somewhere. His power plant is down to 75% already and I've managed to take a fair chunk out of his armour too.
The problem is though - Bob is literally starting to fall apart, modules are malfunctioning, thrusters come and go and Bob's frame shift drive was knackered ages ago. I have to do the right thing and run this time. Bob and I have been through too much to lose it all now - except I can't jump because the frame shift drive is broken. I've trained for this though, I know what to do. I put the bad guy behind me, full thrust, boost and flight assist off then with every part of my being crossed I reboot Bob ... yep, I literally switch him off and back on again ...
... it takes an age! There is total blackness for what seems like forever but after a bit life starts to flicker in the old boy again. And he's still intact, I don't even know if the sensors are working or not but the 'conda is nowhere to be seen and it has all gone quiet. Maybe we'll survive this yet. I press the button, but nothing happens. In a panic I start stabbing at it but it resolutely ignores me ... then I get a comms message "Frame Shift Online" - I hold my nerve and wait a bit then gently press the button.
Charging!!!
We're in business, please don't die again.
It doesn't and we're cruising amongst the stars again. Safety! I'm mindful that this is where it all started though so point myself at the nearest station and set full speed. The second I drop out of supercruise I boost to the safety of the station's no fire zone and I'm glad I did because guess who dropped in right beside me - shouting threats at me. But even he has the sense not to attack here - that really would not end well.
Bob and I retire to the safety of the station ... a little bit shaken up ... time for a bit of a rethink. What went wrong? Well modules were dying long before armour was critical so let's put a couple of reinformcements in for those. And that shield was down more than it was up - I seriously thought about ditching it altogether but I was chatting to a couple of old hands at the bar and they told me that really was not a good idea, so it can stay but let's get rid of those shield boosters, chaff would serve us better. And those lightweight sensors - yeah well for the speed increase we get it just isn't worth it so stock sensors go on instead - a little bit tougher because let's face it - when you're fighting someone 16 times your size (yep - I looked it up) it's useful to know where he is.
I pat Bob as I climb in - come on old boy - let's have another crack at this.
Before I know it we're in the thick of another fight, same guy too, but this one is going a little bit better. I get in close without losing my shield this time and my fingers are flying everywhere diverting power where it's needed. I've received so much advice about this and realised I was being lazy before. If we're going to win this battle it's going to take effort. I get the guy's shield down but a quick glance at the instruments says maybe we're not doing that well after all, Bob's pretty beaten up already ... but everything is still working so I set to work on the 'condas power plant. I land a few sweet shots right on the target and just about all of my shots hit him somewhere ... OMG he's down to 73% hull, Bob's at 74% ... we're actually winning this one. What about his power plant? Oh! That's insane! It's at 19%. Come on Bob, we can do this! I keep firing away, every now and again his shield comes up but it doesn't take long to deal with it and we're soon popping away at his power plant again.
Before I know it ... 0% ...his power plant is gone - another well aimed shot should do it! But no, I hit it bang on the button but he's still going? I don't know how this works but I was warned this would happen, just didn't believe it - it doesn't make any sense. Still, his armour is low, if I can just keep plugging away we're still going to come out on top. I'm not running this time. 57%, 49%, 36%, 23%, 17% ... it's going and we're still in much better shape - Bob's at 35%, that ain't bad.
Oh yes! Another sweet shot, bullseye - right on the power plant again. I can sense a change, the ambient noise is different, I can't put my finger on it but something is ... different! The 'condas right in front of me and I can see smoke billowing out everywhere, it's like a bonfire, there's poppping and crackling, flames are licking around him and there are flashes of light. Is this it Bob? Is this our moment of glory! And then it happens ...
BOOM! The guy pops like a balloon. The shockwave hits us and Bob shudders a little.
THAT WAS OUR MOMENT BOB ! WE DID IT!
Strike one bad guy! (Where've I heard that before?)
Then it's all over, there are bits of metal and machine parts floating around, some valuable some not but we'll take them anyway. The main thing that strikes me though is the total and utter silence and I sit still for a while as the adrenalin drains from my body.
I'm actually a little bit delirious, a childhood song starts going through my head ...
Ten green bottles sitting on a wall,
Ten green bottles sitting on a wall ...
Nine deadly 'condas cruising in the stars,
Nine deadly 'condas cruising in the stars,
And if one deadly 'conda should pull the wrong guy,
There'll be eight deadly 'condas cruising in the stars.
I laugh manically! Do it again, let's do it again Bob! And so my quest to rid the galaxy of these bad guys really begins, one at a time, keep a sane head, run away when we need to but if we always live to fight another day then we'll do this. My brother will be so proud! He loves his Corvette but deep down I think he's a little bit envious of what Bob and I have - there is something slightly more honourable doing this in a simple sidewinder ... and damn it, if it ain't more fun. I remember flying with my brother and seeing a 'conda go Boom! the first time - what a rush! But no kidding, when Bob and I made that 'conda go Boom! I punched the air - it was a feeling I have NEVER experienced before. And I want to do it again! And again! And again!
One deadly 'conda cruising in the stars,
One deadly 'conda cruising in the stars,
And if one deadly 'conda should pull the wrong guy,
There'll be no deadly 'condas cruising in the stars.
Strike nine bad guys ;-)
My brother made it home later that day. "So what've you been up to, while I've been working my ass off?" he asks. "Nothing much!" I reply. I'll tell him later. I'm going to dine out on this one for years.